


Please, Come Back to Me

by Jacklyn_Flynn



Series: Dejah x Cullen [7]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Adoribull - Freeform, Again, Blow Jobs, Cullen won't leave her side, Cullenlingus (Dragon Age), Cunnilingus, Demons Are Assholes, Dorian is the best BFF, Dreams and Nightmares, Eventual Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Injured Inquisitor (Dragon Age), Inquisitor & Dorian Pavus Friendship, Late Night Conversations, Mabari Puppies, Masturbation, Memory Loss, Near Death, Poison, Repairing Relationships, So many tags are spoilers..., Solas is good for something, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Wet Dream, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2020-07-12 12:41:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 40,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19946341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jacklyn_Flynn/pseuds/Jacklyn_Flynn
Summary: Dorian returns to Skyhold two days early with a greviously wounded Inquisitor. The results of the demon attack leave her on the balance of life and death. The man she loves and the people she calls her family watch helplessly while she struggles to live.





	1. Desperate Return

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, here's the deal guys; This was just going to be a normal length (one or two chapter) work based off of a prompt from Sokemis. (Thank you!) Sometimes, though, you think of a thing and can't get it out of your head. It grows into something much bigger than planned. This is one of those things. Instead of waiting to finish it completely I'm going to publish it in chapters. Who doesn't love a good cliff hanger?

There was a particular horn blast in Skyhold that was only used to announce the Inquisitor’s return. Two long blasts followed by a shorter one. It was a sound that Cullen had been conditioned to associate with happiness and his heart raced every time he heard it. It was later in the afternoon when he heard the horns today. Unusual because she wasn’t due back for another two days, at least. 

He wiped his brow, covered in sweat from training. He pulled on his shirt and headed toward the main gates. They were wide open and awaiting her arrival. Down the trail he could see a single horse, racing toward them. As it approached, he grew more concerned. He made out Dorian, urging the horse with the reins in one hand while the other kept Dejah’s smaller form against him, her head lolling against his chest. 

The horse came to halt, panting, with froth on its sides. It wasn’t Dorian’s horse, nor did it belong to any in their company. Dejah was unconscious and dried blood smeared her cheek. She was incredibly pale. Dorian didn’t look much better. Bags were prominent under his eyes. His hair was mussed and his mustache, usually impeccable was untended. 

“What in the Maker’s name happened?” Cullen asked, gently taking Dejah in his arms while Dorian helped shift her off the horse. 

“A rift opened up over our camp the night before last. We barely made it out of our tents.” He slid off the horse. Pointing to an onlooker, he yelled for them to bring healers to the Inquisitor’s quarters. He turned back to Cullen, walking by his side as they made their way through the main keep. 

“A demon manifested inside of her tent. Something happened to the supports while they fought. We couldn’t get to her until we killed the rest. She’d killed it but it swiped her stomach. Badly.” 

“Why didn’t you take her to a camp?” Cullen asked, clearly concerned. 

“None near us had healers with enough experience. The wound is poisoned. I rode through the day and last night to get her here.” Dorian explained. It showed. He was exhausted. 

“Why didn’t you heal her?” Cullen’s voice had turned accusatory. 

“I did what I could!” Dorian snapped back. “I deal with the dead, not the living. If not for me, her insides would be on the outside!” 

“I’m sorry, Dorian.” Cullen said quickly, immediately regretting his outburst. “I’m just-” He couldn’t say it out loud. 

Dorian paused for a brief moment while unlocking the door to her stairwell and quarters. “I’m scared too.” He said quietly. 

Cullen took the stairs two at a time, careful not to jostle her too much. Dorian was right on his heels. They left the doors thrown open so that the healers could gain access. Laying her down on the bed, the two worked to remove her bloody armor. Dorian had packed bandages beneath it against her stomach, letting the armor compress over the wound and protect it from further harm. 

They got her down to her shirt and leather riding pants. Cullen was pressing against the blood soaked bandages. There was so much soaked into the cloth and her clothing that he wondered how much could possibly be left in her. Around the edges of the bandage veins of black were crawling slowly over her skin. The sickness of the wound spreading with her weakly beating heart. 

Dorian rested a hand on her forehead and closed his eyes. A warm light glowed under his hand for a few moments. When Dorian took his hand away, it was shaking. His dark skin looked pallid. 

“What are you doing?” Cullen asked. “Are you okay?” 

The Vint nodded and sat down heavily on the side of the bed. “I’ve given her some of my energy.” His eyelids looked heavy. “I don’t think I can spare any more.” 

Rapid footsteps sounded on the stairs. The healers finally arrived, Solas in the lead. “Ser Cullen, Ser Dorian, kindly vacate.” The words were a request, but the tone was a command. 

“Absolutely not.” Cullen said, as much if not more force in his tone. 

“I stay as well.” Dorian announced, standing. He moved to one of the chairs by the fireplace and sat down heavily. “I will stay out of the way though.” 

“At least back away from the bed.” Solas told Cullen, clearly annoyed. Reluctantly, Cullen removed his hands from the bandages and backed off to the side. 

Solas peeled off the wad of blood-soaked bandages and Cullen sucked in a breath. Her ran his hand through his hair, fisting it at the back of his head. The bite of pain helped distract him. It didn’t even register that her blood was now smeared through his hair. 

It hadn’t been just one swipe of claws across her torso. It looked like the demon had held her down and used her to sharpen his claws. Most of the wounds were now just angry red marks, thanks to Dorian. The worst of the wounds was what took his breath away. 

Three swipes ran from under her left breast across her stomach to part way between her belly button and right hip bone. The edge of all three were black and appeared to be rotting. Dark red blood and black puss oozed from the wounds. The last one in the line, closest to her hip, was deep. Very deep. Dorian hadn’t been exaggerating. Without his intervention she would have surely died immediately after the attack. 

He glanced at Dorian, the man who had saved her life. He rested his elbows on his knees, face buried in his hands. Unable to help Dejah, he went to the mage to get out of the healers’ way. He knelt down beside his chair. “Are you okay?” He asked, concerned. 

Dorian raised his head and gave a weak smile. “I’ll be perfectly fine.” He assured Cullen with false bravado. “I just need-” The last word drifted off when he passed out. Cullen caught him as he fell forward and carefully eased him back in the chair. 

“Hey!” He called out to one of the healers. “I need help over here!” 

One of the healers turned to help, but Solas cut them off. “He isn’t important.” Solas argued, trying to keep his concentration on Dejah. 

“Dorian saved her life!” Cullen snapped. “She’ll be furious when she wakes up and finds out you didn’t deem the Tevinter mage ‘important enough’.”

Solas didn’t respond, but nodded to the hesitating healer. She rushed over to kneel down in front of Dorian. After a few moments, she looked up at Cullen. “He’s very, very weak, but he’ll be okay. He needs to sleep, badly. Can you bring him over to the couch?” She requested. 

Though he was heavier than Dejah and his height made it awkward, Cullen was still able to easily lay the prone mage down on the coach by the hearth. The healer quickly stepped in to tend to him again. Cullen backed off a few paces and looked over the room. He could only see Dejah’s feet. The rest of her was blocked by a wall of healers.

His heart pounded in his chest. His hands ached for want of action. But there was nothing he could do. There wasn’t an ounce of healing ability in him. All he could do was repeat in his head that she would be okay. Maybe if he said it enough he would start to believe it. The healers in Skyhold were the best. 

The dark inside of him kept creeping forward. It showed him scenes from past battles. Wounds he’d observed in others. Wounds that were fatal. Wounds inflicted by magic, mortal blades and abominations. Some of which were far less than the wound Dejah suffered from now. Soon, only the picture of the gaping wounds on her stomach with the decaying black edges was all he could see in his mind’s eye. 

Trying to distract himself, he moved to the water basin and cleaned his hands, turning the water a dull pink. He felt a tickle on his cheek and realized it was a tear. More than one. He hadn’t cried in a very long time but the tears were flowing freely now. He brushed them away quickly and stalked out to the balcony. He let the cool mountain air blow around him. Yet, he couldn’t calm himself. His hand moved to the back of his neck and he looked up into the cloudless sky. 

“I know I don’t deserve her. I never understood why you brought her into my life.” He prayed to the Maker. “But surely you are not so cruel as to punish me by giving me her love and then taking her away. No one deserves that pain. She doesn’t deserve to be used like that!” His hand slammed down onto the railing. A sharp pain shot up his arm. Probably fractured. He ignored it. “She doesn’t deserve to die because I love her.” He said, quieter. “I’m not the only one who needs her. Just tell me what you want of me and I’ll do it. Anything.” 

“Cullen?” A soft, accented voice startled him. He brushed at his cheeks again and turned to find Josephine frowning at him. Tears were in her eyes as well, a few running down her cheeks.

“How long have you been standing there?” He asked quietly. He was terrified of how weak he felt. Raw emotion with no walls to hide behind. 

“Long enough.” She said gently. Without another word, she went to him and wrapped her arms around him. After a moment of hesitation, he returned the hug, holding her tightly. It was a relief to have someone, anyone at that moment. 

“She’s going to be okay.” Josephine whispered. “She’s so strong, and she knows that we need her. That you need her. You said you don’t deserve her. But, that’s not your choice to make.” She stepped back to look up at him, grabbing his hands to hold in her own. “It isn’t the Maker’s either. It’s hers. She has decided you are worthy of her. Do you hide anything from her? Does she know of your past?” 

“I don’t and she does.” He replied. 

“And she still loves you. If you can’t trust her judgement, why do you follow her? Why do you love her? You must see yourself at least a little bit through her eyes. We can all see how much you love her. If you well and truly believed you didn’t deserve her, then you would have let her go a long time ago. The man you used to be may not have deserved her, but the man you are now, the man you are with her, certainly deserves her love. That’s why she gives it to you. Trust her.” She urged, squeezing his hands. 

He was struck by her words. He struggled to process them against the deeply held beliefs of his worth. He had wasted so much time with that stupidity. It kept him from fully being with her. There was always a part of him that was prepared to leave or be left. That he would get what he deserved. 

“Josephine, I-thank you. I don’t know what else to say.” He stammered. 

“Don’t waste any more time. Take her for the gift that she is.” She urged, smiling softly.

“I hope I didn’t waste all the time we had.”

\-----

The next few days would only be remembered as a blur. On the first night, the sun had set and darkness fell over the sky, mirroring the mood in Skyhold. Dark and brooding and lacking all light from stars or moon. All of the healers had departed except for Solas. The elf sat by the hearth, completely engrossed in an ancient tome about demons. 

Dorian was still passed out on the couch. Healers had checked on him before they left and reassured Cullen that he just needed a good sleep. No harm done. Dejah’s state was far more precarious. Her grevious wounds couldn’t be completely healed. Solas had explained that they would risk sealing the poison in her body and killing her for sure. 

They had healed her enough that she wasn’t bleeding freely any more. The wound still wept thick, black fluid. To allow him to focus on research, Solas showed Cullen how to change her bandages. It had to be done every hour. They had to dispose of the bandages in a fire outside. They’d tried the hearth in her room but the noxious smoke made Cullen’s eyes water. 

Cullen sat beside her bed now, watching her sleep fitfully. Her eyes moved rapidly beneath her eyelids and her brows furrowed occasionally. She was no longer pale. Instead, her cheeks were flushed with a growing fever. He grasped her hand, pulling it to his cheek. The mark made his skin tingle slightly, as it always did. 

He had the overwhelming urge to talk to her. There were so many things to say. He glanced over his shoulder at Solas. The elf was still buried in his book, but Cullen didn’t want to chance him hearing the intimate words. So instead, the hours were filled with bandage changes, the crackle of the fire, the occasional shuffle of pages and the soft, even breathing of Dorian. The hours flew by, despite the agonizing slowness of each minute’s passing. 

At some point Cullen fell asleep. The healer who came to take the care shift after Solas found him sitting in the chair, laying folded over the bed. His head rested near her hip and his hand was resting gently on her thigh. She changed the bandages as gently as she could, trying not to wake the exhausted Commander. 

It was late in the afternoon when he woke again. Though, it hadn’t been his choice. Dorian woke with a start, shooting up into a sitting position and crying out. Cullen shot up as well, reaching for a sword that wasn’t at his side. 

Both the mage and the former Templar gathered their bearings quickly enough, embarassed by their reactions. Dorian looked sheepish as he slid off the couch and walked to the side of the bed. “She’s still with us?” He asked quietly. 

Cullen nodded, scrubbing a hand over his face in an attempt to wake up. “For now.” 

“That’s rather fatalistic, isn’t it?” Dorian asked, running a hand through his untamed hair. 

Rather than reply, Cullen pulled back the bandages on her stomach. The dark veins from the wound hadn’t grown but they certainly hadn’t receeded either. The black against her pale skin was shocking and Dorian sucked in a hiss of air between his teeth. 

“Fasta vass.” He whispered. “It smells foul.” He commented, watching Cullen prepare new bandages, covering the macabre wound.

“Solas says that her body could give out at any time. He doesn’t know what the poison is or how to reverse it. Until he can figure it out we just have to hope she can fight it off.” Cullen said, his tone flat. “The good news, if it can be called that, is that it isn’t spreading any more.”

Dorian laid a hand on Cullen’s shoulder. “I have some books in the library that might be able to shed light on the nature of it. I’ve slept enough. I trust you’ll watch over her so I don’t have to worry.” 

Cullen nodded and Dorian headed toward the door with no mention of his disheveled state or need to bathe. The vanity of the mage was lost when his best friend’s life was on the line. Cullen noted that it didn’t look like he’d slept enough. He was slightly pale, the dark circles still under his eyes. Dorian had already disappeared down the stairwell before Cullen thought to thank him. He really owed Dorian. Dejah may yet die, but because of Dorian, she had a good chance at living. 

At some point in the next few days, Bull and Cassandra returned home. Despite having the extra time to get home, they hurried as much as they could. They were both clearly fatigued and nursing wounds of their own. Cassandra kept her left arm close to her chest and Bull limped a little more than usual. Immediately the two companions made their way to Dejah’s quarters. 

Cullen was sitting off to the side, eyelids heavy and head drooping. A healer was tending to Dejah, but he refused to sleep. 

“You look a fright.” Cassandra commented, striding into the room. 

Bull followed after, ducking to get into the door. “How’s she?” 

Cullen roused himself, squeezing his eyes shut and rubbing them. “It varies moment to moment.” He said, standing. 

“They haven’t healed her yet?” Cassandra asked darkly, her tone promising punishment. 

“Not completely. There was some kind of venom, poison. It has a hold of her.” Cullen explained. He ran a hand through his hair. Bull was quick to notice the dried blood in the curling locks. It was a dull, rusty red, clearly over a day old. 

“When’s the last time you bathed?” Bull asked gruffly, sitting down heavily in a high backed chair that gave him a view of Dejah. 

“I’m not leaving her.” Cullen stated vehemently. 

“No one is asking you to.” Cassandra pointed out. “We can stay with her and have water sent up here. Do you want her to wake to you smelling of the training grounds, covered in her blood?” The seeker asked with a raised brow. 

Cullen gave it some thought, eyes moving to the bed and the prone form that seemed to grow smaller by the day. “You’re right.” He finally ceded. “I won’t take long.” He promised. Even knowing her loyal friends were at her side, he had a hard time leaving her. He would never forgive himself if he wasn’t there when she….

\-----

Josephine, miracle worker that she was, quickly devised a schedule that ensured Cullen was never alone with the Inquisitor. There was always someone there to stay with her if he had to sleep, bathe or tend to a fire only he could put out. Everyone did their best to make sure that didn’t happen often. 

Nearly all of those closest to her were missing from the schedule. Cassandra took over his duties with reports while Bull and his Chargers worked with the training of recruits. Dorian was surrounded by piles of books, the normally orderly library in complete disarray. Solas only came up personally when her health dipped. Luckily, it was only a couple of times but each one had Cullen’s heart racing. 

It was the sixth night since the attack when Solas and Dorian came bounding up the stairs. The former cradling various herbs and phials of ingredients in his arms while the latter was reading aloud from an open book balanced in one hand. 

Varric had been sitting by the bed, quietly reading while Cullen napped on the couch by the fire. Cullen woke abruptly when Solas ordered the dwarf out of the way. He moved quickly and without retort, sensing the severity of the moment. Cullen stood up, looking at Varric but the man only shrugged. He had no idea what was going on. 

“Dorian?” Cullen asked, keeping his distance, though it killed him. 

“I found it!” Dorian said quickly, setting the book on the side of the bed to help Solas set down his bounty. That was the only attention given to them as the two mages turned back to Dejah. Dorian rattled off ingredients and instructions to Solas, most of which Cullen couldn’t begin to understand. Hundreds of questions ran through Cullen’s mind, but only one mattered. 

_Will it work?_

__Cullen didn’t even notice when Varric left. His focus was solely on Dejah. He paced the room behind Solas and Dorian, careful to keep his distance. He didn’t even know how long it had been since they started. Having woken from a nap, he’d never determined where in the sky the sun had been. It was starting to get dark now though so he lit candles around the chambers so that the mages could do their work uninterrupted._ _

__He stood at the foot of the bed, arms crossed tightly over his chest. While the preparation was time consuming and complicated, the actual process of drawing out the poison was simple. A paste of herbs, supplemented with magic, was pressed into the wound. The black ooze that seeped from the wound was drawn into the poultice, turning it black and putrid. Over and over the poultice was removed, the wound was cleansed and another poultice was made._ _

__At first, the change was so gradual that he wasn’t sure it was working. He finally began to notice that the black veins were receding back toward the wound, the skin growing a healthier pink instead. By the time full darkness had enveloped the sky, the mages were nearly done with their work._ _

__Dorian was grinding another batch of herbs, this one smaller than the last. His fingers were stained green, bright lines of color underneath his fingernails and tucked around his cuticles. Solas was cleaning the wound gently with hot water, insuring that the previous poultice had been completely removed._ _

__“One more, I believe.” The elf said solemnly. “We should pack it and leave it until morning. That should draw out the rest.” He was gently probing the wound. It was bleeding lightly, which might have been concerning, but Cullen was relieved to see mostly red seeping from the gashes. He sent a quick prayer to the Maker as Dorian packed the wound once more, then gently bandaged her stomach._ _

__While Solas gathered their things, deciding what would need to stay or go, Dorian cleaned his hands and laid his palm gently on her forehead. He acknowledged Cullen for the first time in hours with a smile._ _

__“Her fever is breaking.” He informed the Commander._ _

__“Does that mean she’s going to be okay?” Cullen asked, almost not daring to._ _

__“One can never be certain. The injury was quite a unique phenomenon.” Cullen wanted to throttle Dorian. “But, that being said, she does appear to be on the mend.”_ _

__“I think it is safe to say,” Cut in Solas. “that the worst is behind us. I believe that her recovery is no longer a matter of if, but rather, when.”_ _

__Cullen let out sharp exhale and closed his eyes. The vice around his heart released, sending a swell of emotion through him. For days the only thing he had felt was fear. An abhorrent dread that washed away everything else. Not even his lyrium withdrawal had made it to the forefront of his mind._ _

__“I’ll stay tonight, just to keep an eye on our girl.” Dorian said, settling down on one of the couches. His permanent state the last week had been perpetual exhaustion. Candles burned throughout the night in his library. Every time food was brought up he was awake, no matter the time of day. No one had actually caught him sleeping since he’d woken the day after their return._ _

__Solas bid them goodnight and departed, leaving the two men with the Inquisitor. Cullen moved to the side of the bed and brushed her hair behind her ear. The back of his fingers ghosted gently down her cheek, no longer bright with fever._ _

__“Dorian, I don’t know how I can possibly repay you. It wasn’t just her life that you saved.” Cullen said, slowly dragging his eyes away from Dejah. He glanced over at the mage, expecting an answer, instead finding him already fast asleep. Pulling a blanket off of the arm of a chair, he unfolded it and rested it over Dorian._ _

__Cullen sat down in the quiet of the night next to the bed, pulling the chair close. He clasped her smaller hand in his and simply watched her. Tuning out the crackle of the fire, he instead listened to her soft, even breathing, no longer labored. Many a night when sleep evaded him, he’d done the same but he had never been so grateful as tonight to be able to do so._ _

__\-----_ _

__Dejah first became conscious of the bothersome light that made it past the barrier of her eyelids. It was sharp and painful, making any further blissful sleep impossible. Slowly, she became aware of her body. Everything was sore. How long had she been laying in bed? And her stomach. Something definitely wasn’t right there._ _

__She opened her eyes slowly. Brilliant flashes of color slashed across the floor from the stained glass on the balcony doors. Realizing that someone was holding her hand, she looked down at it, raising her head only as far as she needed. Long, calloused fingers were threaded through her own. A dull green light shone from between their palms._ _

__Her eyes moved upward, following the arm. Toned muscle disappeared beneath rolled up sleeves. The other hand supported a book. Her eyes quickly moved to his. The amber shone brightly in the sun. His pupils reacted to the light by shrinking, leaving more of the golden irises. It was then that she realized he was reading aloud. The scar on his upper lip caught her attention. The way that it moved when he talked was somehow alluring._ _

__His hair was a rich golden straw color, softly curled and falling where it would. The voice was warm and she found herself lost in it, despite the fact that she wasn’t paying attention to the words it formed. She watched him for a while, using him as a distraction from the pain in her body, hoping her mind would clear._ _

__She didn’t know how long she’d been watching him read to her until his eyes glanced over. They went back to the book for a moment until it registered that she was looking up at him._ _

__“Dejah!” He gasped, the book falling to the floor as he scooted to the edge of the chair. His free hand cupped her cheek as he squeezed her hand. “Thank the Maker, you’re awake!” He looked over his shoulder and she followed her eyes to the couch. Her vision was still too blurry to determine anything more than that someone laid across it. “Dorian! Wake up!”_ _

__He looked back down at her, a smile gracing his lips and making his eyes shine. “I thought I lost you.” He said softly, meant only for her. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”_ _

__Such emotion behind the words and in his eyes. She frowned, brows furrowing. It was right there. Something. A name. A memory. She willed anything to come to her mind’s eye. But it wouldn’t._ _

__All she could do was look into his excited eyes and ask the one question that came to her first._ _

__“Who are you?”_ _


	2. Clean Slate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the startling revelation that Dejah has no memory of her life, her family struggles to understand why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Total honesty here: I am _terrified _of writing Cole. He's one of my favorite characters but I really struggle to capture him. I hope I did him justice.__

“Who are you?” Dejah asked softly. 

Cullen chuckled, rubbing his fingers over the week and a half’s worth of growth on his jaw. His hair, while clean, was untended and curling wildly. “I know, I know. There have been more important things than my appearance.” He said with a smile. 

As she continued to stare at him, his smile faded. “Do you-do you really not know me?” 

She shook her head slowly, still trying to desperately remember anything at all. 

“My dear, am I familiar to you?” Dorian asked, sitting on the side of the bed. 

They were too close. She shook her head quickly and pulled her hand from Cullen’s. She tried to sit up to move away from them, suddenly overwhelmed. She didn’t even remember her own name let alone who these two men were. As she sat up, she gasped in pain and grabbed her stomach. Both men rushed to ease her back but she batted their hands away. 

“Please,” She begged. “I don’t know what’s going on. Please, don’t touch me.” She eased herself back onto the pillows. Her brows were furrowed and her eyes held the look of a cornered animal. 

Dorian stood from the bed and moved to stand beside Cullen who leaned back in the chair to give her space. They looked at each other, concerned. 

“Do you remember your name?” Dorian asked gently. 

She opened her mouth immediately, as if the response would come naturally, but nothing came. When she realized she didn’t know the answer, her confusion turned to fear. “I don’t remember anything.” She whispered, her eyes not looking at either of them but somewhere in the distance, unfocused. 

“Did you expect this?” Cullen asked, looking up at Dorian. 

“Certainly not.” He let out a huff of breath and ran a hand through his hair. “I-” He hesitated. He didn’t want to leave her, not like this but there was no other option. “I have to go. I need to speak with Solas.” 

He lingered a moment, not sure how to disengage from the moment. Say goodbye? Promise her he would figure it out? In the end he put a hand on Cullen’s shoulder. 

“This is Comman-” He stopped and simply said, “Cullen.” He decided not to overwhelm her with unnecessary titles. “I’m going to leave you with him. I promise you’re in very good hands. You two are very close. Is that okay?”

She looked at Cullen, eyes roaming and assessing. He seemed nice enough. Clearly cared for her by the gentleness of his actions when she woke and the response to her lack of memory. She finally nodded slowly. “Yes.” 

Dorian clapped Cullen on the back. “I will be back, my friend.” He promised, even though it had no meaning for her coming from a man she didn’t know. 

The door closed softly behind him and Dejah looked at Cullen. He was staring at her, amber eyes lost in thought. She stared back. 

He came back to himself and sat forward a little bit. “You must have questions.” 

“You have no idea.” She said softly. “Days worth.” 

“If that’s what it takes.” Cullen assured her. “I won’t leave until you ask me to.” 

“You love me, don’t you?” She asked bluntly. 

“More than anything.” He responded immediately. 

Dejah nodded slowly, a slight smile gracing her lips. “I can tell. I’m sorry, this must be very hard for you.” 

He smiled in response, resisting the urge to reach for her hand again. “That’s a very Dejah thing of you to say. To worry about others before yourself..” 

“That’s my name? Dejah?” She asked curiously, slowly finding herself more comfortable with him. He was clearly not a threat to her. 

“Your name is Dejah of Clan Lavellan.” 

“Clan?” She asked. 

Cullen chuckled and leaned back in the chair, tenting his fingers. “I suppose we should start with the basics. Are you sure you’re up for this? Do you need to rest?” 

She shook her head. “Listening doesn’t take much energy.” _Besides, I like hearing you talk. ___

__“Alright. Well, let’s see…” He started._ _

__\-----_ _

__Dorian returned at dawn with Bull, Cassandra and Solas. Everyone else had been told but for fear of overwhelming her they kept the group down to those closest to her. Introductions were made, but Dejah was skeptical that she would remember everyone’s name. It was hard to even ‘meet’ these people, each with hopeful eyes that _they _would be the one she would remember.___ _

____“Let us get right down to it.” Dorian said finally, bringing attention back to him. “Solas and I believe we have determined what happened. The poison was not meant to kill, but rather to create a suitable vessel for possession.”_ _ _ _

____“She almost died several times!” Cullen argued from his chair beside the bed. He hadn’t left it yet._ _ _ _

____“Of her wounds.” Dorian pointed out. “We simply assumed it was the poison. Correlation versus causation.”_ _ _ _

____“What about other demon attacks?” Bull asked. “Why don’t we see this more often?”_ _ _ _

____“We wondered that as well.” Dorian continued, glancing at Solas. It seems that it takes a significant amount of the poison. It isn’t the most efficient method, as delivery of enough poison to take over the host causes considerable wounds that most would not survive.”_ _ _ _

____“Those who survive possession by a demon often express the feeling of being caged. They were aware of their actions and surroundings, but unable to control them in any way.” Solas explained._ _ _ _

____“We believe that’s why your memories have been locked away, my dear.” Dorian finished._ _ _ _

____“But I can still remember some things. Like how to talk and eat and presumably how to walk.” Dejah pointed out. She was sitting up now, propped up by several pillows._ _ _ _

____“That is most likely because we figured out how to draw out the poison before it could finish it’s task. The very base parts of you, such as language and character traits remain.” Dorian smiled. “Such as your ability to keep calm during stressful or traumatizing events, like now.”_ _ _ _

____“So the real Dejah is trapped in here somewhere?” She asked._ _ _ _

____“Darling, you are the real Dejah, simply not all of her.” Dorian corrected. She nodded slowly, looking down at her hands. She hadn’t realized she’d been wringing them nervously. She laid them flat on her thighs and looked back up at Dorian._ _ _ _

____He and the elf seemed to be collaborating on this, but she didn’t like to interact with Solas. He seemed to disapprove of her somehow. It was unsettling._ _ _ _

____“We would like to bring someone in who may be able to help confirm this. He can be ...intense, if you aren’t used to him. He’s quite harmless though, especially to you. He’s been eager to see you since you’ve been injured.”_ _ _ _

____“If you think it’s best.” She ceded._ _ _ _

____Cassandra opened the door to the stairwell and beckoned someone up. A slender and seemingly young man walked in slowly. He was quite pale with tufts of blond hair sticking out beneath his incredibly large hat._ _ _ _

____“This is Cole.” Dorian introduced._ _ _ _

____Cole walked slowly to the side of the bed, standing beside Cullen. “I’m sorry.” He said softly. “I know how it feels to not be you. Just out of reach.” He said it almost to no one. Dejah wasn’t sure if she should respond, or even what to say to that. Cole continued before she had to come up with an answer. “Split in two. Both lost. One in mind. The other in memory. She’s afraid. Won’t find her. Won’t find her…” He trailed off._ _ _ _

____His eyes snapped up to hers suddenly, startling her. “You’re not afraid. Remembers trust. Not us, but trust of us.”_ _ _ _

____“Is there any reason I shouldn’t trust you?” She asked, looking around the room. It was odd. She was in an unfamiliar room surrounded by unfamiliar faces yet she was at ease. “Is there someone I shouldn’t trust?”_ _ _ _

____Iron Bull snorted. “Yeah, Varric. He’s prone to exaggeration and a cheat at dice.”_ _ _ _

____Cassandra punched his arm. The Qunari glared down at her with his good eye and rubbed his arm._ _ _ _

____“I can assure you, Inquisitor, we have nothing but your best interest at heart. You trusted us before and will again.” Solas assured her, voice smooth._ _ _ _

____Cole, who had been staring at Dejah through the whole conversation, suddenly looked up at Dorian. “Her head hurts. Can you help her?”_ _ _ _

____Dorian’s shoulders slumped slightly. “I-I just can’t promise that, Cole. I very much wish I could.”_ _ _ _

____“But you’ll try, right?” Cullen asked, eyes moving from Dorian to Solas and then back._ _ _ _

____“Of course.” Dorian said indignantly, eyeing down Cullen. “We all want her memory to return, Commander.” The mage reminded him._ _ _ _

____“So, what now?” Dejah asked, drawing attention back to her. “I know that I’m the Inquisitor and that I can close rifts, but I don’t really _know _what that means. I don’t know how to be that or do those things.”___ _ _ _

______“You’ll have to learn. The unfortunate reality is that you’re a very important person with very important responsibilities that no one can take for you. You’ll have to learn quickly. It is not an understatement to say that the entirety of Thedas is depending on you.” Solas explained._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Maker’s breath!” Cullen breathed out. “She just woke up! She can’t and doesn’t have to save Thedas tonight. She needs time to adjust.” He argued._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Time is not something that we have, Commander.” Solas returned, his look souring._ _ _ _ _ _

______“We’ll make it.” Cullen ground out between clenched teeth. “She isn’t just a weapon or tool. She’s a person, she-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Enough!” Cassandra roared and the room fell silent. “ _She _is in the room. _She _is fully capable of determining her own limits and _she will _express those limits to us, as she always has. _You _,” She said, looking at Dejah. “Are still you. We still believe in you, as you must in yourself.”_________ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Yeah, Boss.” Bull added. “We love ya. You won’t do this alone.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Dejah nodded slowly, looking down at her hands again to hide the sudden emotion in her eyes. After Cullen had explained her role as Inquisitor, she was prepared to help. To learn what she had to and do what must be done. It had been a daunting thought. Having to relearn a lifetime of skills and experience. But these people, who were so clearly supporting her and not just their Inquisitor, made the burden feel slightly smaller. She wondered what she had done to each of them to gain such unwavering loyalty._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She took a shaky breath to steady herself before looking back up at her friends. It was already so easy to think of them as such again. She wondered how many more there were to meet. Would they all be as supportive?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Thank you. I promise I’ll do my best.” She assured them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“We need to leave.” Cole said suddenly and started walking to the door. “Very tired.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Solas and I will continue to look for a solution. Meanwhile, you should be resting, for at least another few days.” Dorian ordered with a gentle smile. “I’ll be in the library if you need me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I’d better go too. I am, after all, your favorite chair.” Bull chuckled, standing to follow the mage out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Fasta vass, you clout. Have you no decorum?” Dorian grumbled._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Not a lick of it.” The warrior responded. Dejah heard a slap in the stairwell and Cassandra let out a disgusted noise._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Are they always like that?” Dejah asked curiously._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Worse.” Cassandra said with a roll of her eyes. “Good night, Inquisitor.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It wasn’t until she saw that she was alone with Cullen that she realized the other elf had left without a word. She looked over at him and smiled slightly, feeling a bit awkward._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Should I-I mean-do you want me to stay with you tonight?” Cullen asked, unable to keep the hopefulness from his voice._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I’d really like some time alone. To think about things.” She said softly, almost apologetically._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Of course.” He rose from the chair. “Good night, Dejah.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Cullen?” She spoke up when he opened the door. He turned back. “Will you come and check on me in the morning?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Absolutely.” He promised, smiling softly. His scar ticked up when he smiled, unable to be hidden by his growing beard._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________The moment the door closed, tears sprang to her eyes. She waited until she could no longer hear his footsteps on the stairs before she began to cry in earnest. It made her stomach hurt but she couldn’t keep back the sobs any more. To her recollection, her life was mere hours old and yet she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She would do her best, she’d meant that. But for now, for tonight, she just needed to be small and scared and uncertain. She didn’t want to be a burden to these people. And right now, she couldn’t handle the burden of their complete trust and faith. If she never got her memory back, would she again become the person they knew? Would it be enough to do what was required of her?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________The blissful darkness of sleep that she ached for claimed her soon enough._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\-----_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Dejah woke peacefully. A few moments of bliss amid soft sheets and dancing sunlight. A quick stretch reminded her of the healing wound on her stomach. The pain triggered the rest of her memories of the previous day. Opening her eyes slowly, she stared up at the ceiling._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She didn’t even know what deity, if any, that she believed in. No one to pray to. Completely and utterly alone in this new world. Her whole body ached from laying in bed for so long. Cautiously, she sat up and slid her feet over the side of the bed. She was grateful that Cullen had left the chair at the side of her bed. When she stood, her shaky legs nearly gave out and she had to grasp the back of the chair for support._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She slowly made her way to the full length mirror beside the bureau. She studied herself carefully. There was an odd dissociation. She was seeing herself for the first time but wasn’t surprised by what she saw. Almost like the image she’d had of herself in her head matched what the mirror showed her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She was surprised by the delicate tattoos on her face. The dark blue branches that followed her cheekbones. What she was truly curious about was her stomach. She slowly lifted the cream colored shift, gathering the fabric beneath her breasts. She frowned, fingers of one hand tracing the three long scars. She couldn’t believe she was alive. They were still bright pink, the new skin still raw and fragile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Dejah dropped the shift quickly when she heard a knock at her door. She padded quickly across the cold stone floor and opened the door. She recognized the man as Cullen, though he was dramatically changed from last night. He was clean shaven and his curls were tamed straight back and away from his face. Heavy armor and a dark fur cowled mantle was a far cry from the casual, rolled up sleeves and plain pants from yesterday._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I almost didn’t recognize you.” She said with a smile at his surprised look. “I miss your beard already. Made you look ...roguish.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He smiled back, putting her instantly at ease. “I may considering growing it back then. You should really be in bed.” He said gently, coming into the room and closing the door behind him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She laid a hand on her stomach. “I wanted to see it. I can’t believe I’m still here.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“We’re all very glad you are. I’m not afraid to admit I was terrified.” She could tell he was being careful with his words. Making sure not to cause her discomfort by pushing their relationship on her. All the more endearing. It must be incredibly hard on him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She climbed back into bed as he settled into the chair beside it. “I’m having your favorite breakfast sent up. Hot cakes with honey and berries and a side of bacon. I hope you still like it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“We’ll see.” She smiled. “I’m starving.” Her smile faded slightly. “I-um-I have a question for you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Anything.” He offered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Do you live here with me?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He hesitated in answering the question. “Yes, I do.” Cullen said finally._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Oh.” She said simply, looking down. “I’m very sorry I kicked you out last night. I didn’t even consider that you stayed here with me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Please,” He said, reaching out and then pulling his hand back at the last moment. “Don’t be sorry. I have a place to sleep and I want you to be comfortable. You really needn't worry about me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She looked up at him and smiled with a small nod. There was a few moments of uncomfortable silence before he cleared his throat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“If you’re up to it, Josephine would like to arrange a schedule, which she is phenomenal at, so that you aren’t alone and bored while you’re under bed rest. If you would like to meet and get to know some people, I can let her know. She’s called the first shift.” He chuckled._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I-I don’t think I’ve met her yet. Have I? I mean, recently.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“No. She’s our resident ambassador. She’s been very busy making sure your condition has been kept under wraps and that no one outside of Skyhold is suspicious of your absence.” He explained._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I think I would like that.” Dejah smiled. She would be grateful not to be alone with her own thoughts for too long._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He stood, rubbing the back of his neck. “Very well, I’ll let her know. I’ll come and check on you later?” He smiled when she nodded enthusiastically. “I would stay but I have much to catch up on.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I understand. Thank you, Cullen.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Of course. Send for me if you need anything.” He offered. There was an odd moment of hesitation. “Well, have a wonderful day. Rest up.” He said finally, heading to the door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He muttered to himself as he headed down the stairs. “Smooth, Rutherford. “Rest up.” Absolutely brilliant.” He was finding that it was incredibly difficult to navigate this new dynamic. He had to hold back a lot of automatic instincts. To kiss her, tell her he loved her, even to just keep from touching her. How much was too much? The idea of going back to a simply professional relationship, possibly forever made his chest tighten._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He was glad of the mountain of work awaiting him. Training and reports would keep his mind and body busy and away from her. Time, if anything, would fix this. And hopefully Dorian. Until then everything was new again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He did know one thing. If he felt something from her, if she hinted that her feelings for him returned he wouldn’t hesitate. He wouldn’t wait for her to make the first move this time. He knew what life was like before her and he would do everything in his power to show her that he was always there for her, always loved her, no matter what happened._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________This was no exception._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading! Please let me know what you think, I value all of your opinions!


	3. The Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dejah has a dream that makes her confused about her feelings for Cullen.

Cullen returned later in the morning, smiling widely. Dejah sat up a little straighter in the bed and smiled back. 

"You appear to be in a good mood." She commented. "I didn't think I would see you until this evening. Josephine said you were busy today."

"I couldn't stop thinking about you. I don't like the idea of you being alone all day."

"I'm not!" She promised. "I've had lots of visitors."

"But not people you know." He pointed out. "But I have a solution for that."

He moved to sit on the side of the bed and opened his mantle. Tucked up against his breast plate in a small hammock of fabric was a beautiful, grey brindle puppy. Her left ear was completely white, a shock of contrast to her darker fur. Dejah gasped and quickly set aside the book she'd been reading.

"She was the runt of the litter and her mother abandoned her. Blackwall has been taking care of her but she's old enough now to start eating on her own. I thought she could keep you company. You've both had a rough start of things" He explained, gently handing the sleepy pup to her.

The little mabari yawned widely before opening her eyes. Her left eye was a bright sky blue, the other a dark brown. She was incredibly tiny, fitting in Dejah's cupped hands. 

"She may need to be bottle fed a few times still. If you think she'll be too much for you right now, I can-"

"No!" Dejah said quickly, feeling tears gather in her eyes. "She's beautiful and absolutely perfect. Thank you, Cullen. Truly."

"Are you okay?" He asked, concerned at the tears.

"Yes, this is just so thoughtful. I don't know why I'm crying." She laughed, burying her face in the pup's side. Her fur was incredibly soft. The puppy curiously tasted Dejah's bangs, so temptingly close to her mouth. 

Dejah pulled her away, one hair hanging out of her mouth. The poor thing kept rolling her tongue to try to remove it. Cullen took pity and pulled it out, smiling. "She doesn't have a name yet. Blackwall said he didn't want to get too attached in case she didn't make it, but she's in the clear now. Do you have any ideas?"

Dejah set her down on her lap, letting the pup explore the bed. "No, but I'll try to find something that fits her." She looked up at Cullen and gave him a brilliant smile that made his heart ache. Maker, he loves this woman.

"Of course," She followed up. "I'll have to make sure I don't accidentally name her after someone I used to know." She laughed. 

Cullen stood, turning the puppy around when she got too close to the edge of the bed. "I'm afraid I can't stay. Blackwall will check in on the two of you later this afternoon to go over her care and bring a bed and toys. He also mentioned he'd give you time to decide if you wanted to keep her, but judging by your smile, she isn't going anywhere."

"Definitely not." Dejah agreed. "I'll see you this evening?" She was starting to look forward to seeing him during the day. 

"I'll try." He promised. "At the least I'll stop by to say good night before I retire."

"You know where I'll be. Could you-no, you're busy, I'm sorry." She back tracked quickly.

"No, please, what can I do?" He offered. 

"Could you ask Blackwall to bring up some books on training her? The history of Ferelden's relation to Orlais is getting boring." She said, indicating the book she'd been reading.

Cullen chuckled. "I can imagine. I'll ask him. Have fun."

Dejah tumbled the puppy over and scratched her stomach, prompting her to playfully kick at her hand. "I won't have trouble with that." She laughed. 

Cullen took that beautiful, genuine laugh with him for the rest of the day.

\-----

He wasn't able to return until after the evening meal. He knocked softly on the door. When she didn't answer, he opened it slowly. He glanced at the bed and found her sleeping. 

When he noticed the fire getting low, he added wood as quietly as he could, stoking it back to life. Once he was satisfied, he moved to the side of the bed. 

Dejah was laying on her back, one arm thrown up over her head. The puppy was laying on the blanket of her hair, curled up against the crook of Dejah's shoulder with her tiny head resting on Dejah's neck. As he watched, her white ear twitched and she let out a little whine, probably chasing nugs in her dreams.

He reached out to gently brush her hair away from her face. "I need you to know I love you." He said softly, so as not to wake her. "I won't ever push that on you. No matter what happens or who you choose to be, or even be with, I will always love you. I suppose I just needed to say it out loud."

There was more he wanted to say but feared her waking to him standing creepily over her. He went to her desk and wrote up a quick note to leave on her bed side stand. He didn't want her to think he hadn't come as promised. 

He folded it and tented it over her book so she would notice it when she woke. With one last look, he closed the door softly behind him, heading to his lonely loft.

\-----

_Dejah reached forward and put her fingers on one of the black chess pieces. She glanced up at Cullen who sat forward and eyed her, a wicked grin on his face. She narrowed her eyes at him then picked up a different piece and moved it to another position._

_"Don't let me influence you." He laughed, resting his elbows on the table and considering the board in front of him._

_She leaned back in the chair and slipped off a shoe. Slowly, she ran her foot up the inside of his leg, teasing his knee._

_"Devilish woman. Are you trying to distract me?" He asked, eyes still on the board._

_"Absolutely. The last resort of a desperate woman." She laughed, sliding her foot up the inside of his thigh._

_With a motion faster than her reflex to pull away, he captured her ankle. He gave her a predatory look which only made her smile more._

_"So I take it that it's working?" She asked, trying for innocence._

_"Perhaps not in the way you intended, sweetling."_

_She immediately threw her head back and laughed when he started to tickle the bottom of her foot. She jerked it away and managed to slam her knee on the underside of the table. With a thick thud most of the pieces on the board fell over, a few rolling off onto the table or floor._

_Even as she grabbed her throbbing knee she couldn't help but laugh until tears streamed down her cheeks. Cullen laughed with her, reveling in her joy._

_"Are you okay?" He asked when they'd both calmed slightly._

_Dejah wiped her cheeks and looked up at him. “Yes. I got what I deserved.”_

_“Oh, we’ll see about that.” He said with a grin. ___

__\-----_ _

__Dejah woke with a start, eyes shooting open. It took her a few moments to remember where she was. Who she was. The dream had felt so real. The raw emotion that had her heart racing still. She’d only known the man a week and she was already dreaming about him. Judging by the darkness outside, morning was still a distance away. She was curled up on her side and she could feel the warmth of the mabari puppy tucked in the crook of her legs._ _

__She was having a hard time defining, and even containing her feelings. She wanted to laugh, the levity of the moment in the dream bleeding into her waking world. Part of her felt like it was mourning though, that blissful, innocent moment stolen away. She didn’t understand what was happening and that scared her all the more._ _

__She tried to calm her breathing but was having a hard time. Her heart continued to race as she carefully sat up in bed. The pup woke up at her movement, her blue eye almost luminous in the near darkness._ _

__Dejah leaned over her legs, holding her face in her hands, staving back the blind panic that seemed to come out of nowhere. The sweet girl prodded at her arm with her soft head, whining. When Dejah didn’t immediately react, she started to bark, short little yips that caught her attention._ _

__Grateful for something else to focus on, she picked up the puppy and held her close. She squirmed, moving enough to lick Dejah’s chin furiously. She still barked occasionally when she sensed Dejah was returning to her own self destructive thoughts._ _

__After a long few minutes, she was able to calm down by focusing on the concerned ball of fluff wriggling in her arms. Her heart was still beating quickly, but she no longer felt like it would slam it’s way through her rib cage. She could still feel unbidden tears in her eyes, still threatening to spill if she drifted back into the storm of emotion._ _

__Dejah kissed the mabari’s head, fighting against the tongue that so desperately wanted to kiss her back. “I know exactly what to call you, sweet girl. Thank you.” It was then that she noticed the tented note on her bed side stand and reached out with shaky fingers to take it._ _

___Dejah,_ __

__

__

___I didn’t want to wake you. You were sleeping so peacefully with your new companion. I’m returning to my loft for the night. If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to wake me._ __

__

__

___I’ll see you in the morning._ _ _

___Cullen ____ _

____Below the script was a small map drawn in a very precise hand, marking the way to his office where he’d once again taken up residence._ _ _ _

____She took a moment to memorize it and stood, pup still in hand. She knew it would be chilly out but didn’t know where any of her cold weather clothes were. Still on the verge of losing control of her emotions, she pulled the blanket from her bed and wrapped it around her, cradling the puppy against her chest._ _ _ _

____She quickly made her way through the silent keep to the door she hoped belonged to Cullen. Again feeling her emotions welling up without invitation, she knocked loudly on the door. When she didn’t hear anything after a few moments, she did so again only slightly louder. Was this not his door? She couldn’t hear any movement inside._ _ _ _

____Defeated, she turned and rested back on the door, sliding down to sit on the ground before it. She buried her face against the pup’s soft fur, taking a deep, shaky breath in an attempt to calm down._ _ _ _

____Where would she go? She didn’t know anyone. Dorian had come to visit her a lot, but she didn’t know the first place to begin looking for him. In the middle of the night, there wasn’t anyone to ask. The only people awake were on patrol on the battlements._ _ _ _

____Another shaky breath threatened to turn into a sob when the door suddenly opened. Still leaning against it, she fell into the room, arm scrambling to catch herself and hold the puppy safely against her._ _ _ _

____Instead of the hard floor, she fell against a quickly thrown out leg. “Dejah?” Cullen’s sleepy voice asked in amazement. “What in Maker’s name are you doing up so late? It’s freezing outside.” He knelt down and scooped her up in his arms, pup, blanket and all. He set her down in the chair behind his desk, turning it to the side so that he could kneel in front of her._ _ _ _

____He was wearing nothing but a pair of loose cotton pants. His hair was slightly mussed from sleep but his eyes were awake and alert._ _ _ _

____“Why are you barefoot?” His hands moved to one foot and he frowned. “Your feet are freezing!” He moved forward slightly and without thinking, took her foot and placed the flat of it against his chest. He hissed slightly at the cool contact, but didn’t pull it away. Instead, he cupped his hands over the top, encasing her foot in his warmth._ _ _ _

____He looked up to find her watching him, tears streaming down her face. She was still clutching the puppy to her chest. “I’m so sorry. I just-I had a dream-” She nearly sobbed, an odd noise catching in her throat. “I had a dream and it felt so real and when I woke up, I just-I don’t know!” She said in a rush. “I didn’t know where to go. I’m so confused.”_ _ _ _

____He shushed softly, one thumb running back and forth over the top of her foot. “Slow down. You had a nightmare?” He asked._ _ _ _

____“No. Not as such. It was about you. And it felt so _real _!” She said quickly.___ _ _ _

______He carefully released her foot, picking up the other one to warm it as well. “Why don’t you take a deep breath and then tell me about it?” He suggested. She took a moment to compose herself, setting the puppy down on her lap. When she felt that she could talk without falling apart, she began._ _ _ _ _ _

______“We were playing a game. I think I was losing.” She started. “I started to-” Dejah paused. “This is kind of ...embarrassing.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You don’t have to tell me.” He told her with a gentle smile._ _ _ _ _ _

______She nodded in acknowledgement. “I was, distracting you. I was running my foot up your leg and you-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I tickled you.” He finished, brows furrowing. “And you banged your knee on the table and knocked over all the pieces.” He released her foot._ _ _ _ _ _

______“How did you know that?” She asked, voice nearly breaking._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Because that wasn’t a dream.” He explained. “That was a memory.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“How is that possible?” She whispered._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I don’t know. We’ll go see Dorian or Solas in the morning.” He promised. His hand rested on her knee. “The dream-memory rather-upset you like this?” He desperately wished it wasn’t so._ _ _ _ _ _

______“No!” She said quickly. “It was...I-” She shook her head. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t. It isn’t fair to you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Please, don’t.” He squeezed her knee gently. “I’m here for whatever you need. But, I can go wake Dorian if you’d prefer.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She shook her head slowly. “It’s just...I could feel how much I loved you. And how much you loved me. It was this perfect moment. No one asking for anything, no demon waiting in the shadows. We were just...together.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She broke his gaze, looking down at the puppy, idly playing with her ear. “But when I woke up, it was like I couldn’t trace those feelings back to anything. Like I should know them, but I don’t. And when I tried to get it back...it was just all too much. It was like I opened the floodgates and everything came out. I was-I am so incredibly sad to have lost that.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She looked back up at him, eyes glassy with tears. “And now I’m sitting here, in front of that man from my dream and I just realized that the one moment I lost is every waking moment for you. I’m mourning a moment of that feeling and you have to face it, and me, every day.” She inhaled with a quick sob._ _ _ _ _ _

______“And the way you’re looking at me right now breaks my heart. I can see so clearly how I fell in love with you. I want to again because you deserve to have that back.” She said quickly when he opened his mouth to interject. “But, I’m not me. You don’t deserve a blank husk. You deserve the woman that remembers everything you’ve done for her. All those moments you spent making her fall in love with you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He took her hand, squeezing gently. “I don’t need those moments. They’re in the past anyway. What matters is now. I wish I had seen that sooner. Hearing you decide that I deserve better or that you aren’t good enough because of a past you can’t change, no matter how recent, makes me realize all of the time I wasted thinking such things about you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I don’t expect you to fall in love with me again.” He continued. “Certainly not just because you did in the past. If you do, I want it to be because it’s what _you _want. But,” He sighed softly. “I’m still going to try to make you fall in love with me again. I’d do it all over again, all of those things I did to make you love me, a thousand times if that’s what it takes. And right now, unless you tell me no, I’m going to start by kissing you.” He told her, shifting to rise up slowly. His voice lowered. “I waited far too long last time. I won’t make that mistake twice.”___ _ _ _ _ _

________She inhaled sharply and was unable to release it. The intensity in his eyes should have scared her away. But it didn’t. It was calming. This man, how he felt about her, she could be absolutely sure of. Without a moment’s hesitation, she closed the short distance between them to bring their lips together._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It wasn’t a needy kiss. No desperation despite the overwhelming feelings running through her. She closed her eyes and focused on him and him alone, shutting out all of the doubt and confusion. She didn’t even try to find the feelings the memory had dredged up. Instead, she focused on that moment. A new memory that was all hers. It wouldn’t feel like it belonged to someone else._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His lips were gentle, slanting over hers slowly. A deliberate show of control. He wanted this but he needed her to want it too. His heart almost stopped when she didn’t immediately respond. Mere hours ago he’d just promised not to push her and now he was…._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She kissed him back and relief burst through him. Her hand moved to his cheek gently as she leaned into him. After a few moments, he pulled away and opened her eyes. Hers were still closed, rimmed with red from her tears. He reached up gently and brushed them away with his thumbs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“We need to get you back to bed.” He said softly. “I’ll take you back, but I’m carrying you. You are absolutely not walking barefoot again.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She smiled and nodded. They both knew she couldn’t stay with him, just like he couldn’t stay with her. Not tonight. Everything was too raw. She deserved and needed time to figure out what they were. She needed time to sort out her own feelings from the ones she’d felt so intensely in the dream memory._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She watched as he stood and pulled on his boots. A soft leather jacket from a cabinet by the door would protect him from the cold. She could absolutely see how she’d fallen in love with this man. Not a single complaint about being up in the middle of the night or having to venture out into the cold to take her back to bed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________As he pulled her into his arms, carefully adjusting the blanket around her and the puppy, she could also see how easily she could fall for him again. Emotions still raged inside of her but they were quieter now that she’d gotten some of them out. She could focus on the one growing somewhere behind all the others. Perhaps a kernel of her former self that she could nurture back to life._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He gently deposited her back in bed, letting her settle with the pup before settling the blanket over them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m going to put some shoes by the door. You come and get me again if you need me, but please wear something on your feet next time?” He asked with a smile, scratching the sleepy mabarai’s head. “Have you named her? I couldn’t ask you earlier.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Lailani. It means “she who helps the lost.” Earlier, when I was panicking she distracted me. Like she knew what I needed.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"Sounds like she's just what you needed."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"Thank you for bringing her to me." Dejah said softly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"It was rather selfish. I won't worry so much now." He smiled. "Good night."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She reached out to grasp his hand when he turned to walk away. He looked back down at her, waiting patiently for her to sort out the words she wanted._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You don’t deserve this, but I’m glad you’re here. With me. For me."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"Always." He promised, squeezing her hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Next chapter earns the E rating!
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated. You guys make this worth while!


	4. Resurfaced

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dejah works to reconcile the friends from her scattered memories with the people she's surrounded by. The relationships with the people she was closest to should be the easist, but they aren't.

Dejah was often concerned that Lailani was growing and learning faster than she was. By the time winter descended in earnest with the first heavy snow, the pup was standing even with her knee. She was quick to learn and eager to please Dejah.

On the other hand, Dejah continued to struggle with basic magic. The ability was innate, but the control took practice. Vivienne was a wonderful teacher, but they just didn't mesh as well as she did with Dorian. 

Her first lesson with Dorian had her bursting with uncontrolled magic. But, like any artist, materials weren't the hard part. It was the ability to arrange them into something beautiful. He'd been too busy since then so Vivienne had stepped up.

For the 90th time she threw a bolt at the practice dummy and missed. Statistics dictated that at random she should hit it some of the time but it didn't feel like that was happening. 

"Fuck!" She shouted, turning away from it.

"Darling, don't give up. You're improving!" Vivienne tried to encourage. Dejah felt rather bad. It really wasn't Vivienne's fault as a teacher. Dorian just knew her better. At least, that's what everyone told her. 

Nearly every night a memory would come back to her. Solas said that she would have the most memories return of those she was closest to, the strongest feelings pushing through.

Most were of Cullen, but nearly as many were of Dorian. She knew they traveled together and shared everything. Inseparable. Except for now. He rarely came down from the upper levels of the library. At first he'd visited her frequently enough, but it had slowly dwindled to seeing him only two or three times a week and sometimes even then only I'm passing.

"I'm done!" She cried. "I'm done today. I'm never going to kill a nug, let alone Corypheus, at this rate."

Vivienne tried to find something to say but Cullen, sitting off to the side, motioned for her to let the Inquisitor go. She walked over to him, fairly gliding in her elegance. 

"Really, the one who is familiar with her particular brand of magic should be working with her. I'm trying my best but we're using two different alphabets." She commented with a delicate sigh. "Whatever is that man doing?" She wondered, glancing toward the library tower. 

Cullen's hands fisted. "Please, excuse me Madam de Fer. I intend to go find out."

She waved a hand dramatically. "Good, someone ought to."

\-----

Cullen strode up to Dorians's desk and pulled the book out of his hands. He slammed it down, leaning toward the mage with a furious glare.

"What in the Maker's ever loving name do you think you're doing?" Cullen growled. 

"I can see you're upset, Commander, but I simply cannot fathom why." Dorian replied, standing to meet Cullen's eyes.

"Dejah needs you." He said simply.

"And I am doing everything in my power to help her." Dorian shot back defensively.

"We all want her memories back but the reality is that might not happen. It's been two and a half months. You do everything to avoid her but walk the other way when you see her."

Dorian opened his mouth but Cullen slammed his hand on the desk again. "Shut up, I'm not done yet Dorian. I understand, I really do. It's scary opening yourself up again. But she's still Dejah. Still loving and accepting. She's learning about us while seeing us in her memories at night. She's trying to reconcile that with who we are to her during the day."

"So tell me, Dorian, when she wakes up and has had a memory of the two of you staying up late into the night laughing and talking, how do I explain why you don't want to be a part of her life any more? Because, she feels everything from that memory. She thinks she's not good enough any more. How do I explain that she's the same person when you treat her like she's not."

"May I talk now?" Dorian asked. Cullen's response was to glare, but nod. "I have been neglecting her. And you're right, it is quite scary. Very few people accept me for who I am and losing her is ...devastating. However, you are also right that she is the same person. I lost that, it seems in a bid to fix her."

"She doesn't need fixing. She needs us." Cullen said softly. "Getting her memories back, would be-will be-wonderful. I know you'll figure it out eventually. But it won't mean anything if you don't love her now."

"So what do you plan on doing to fix it?" Cullen asked, standing straight again.

"What do you suggest?" Dorian asked. Cullen was slightly surprised by the question and that Dorian would want his opinion.

"Anything you can. Open up to her. Mostly, make it very clear that she's important to you. Help her with her magic. Make her feel comfortable again. Be the man she sees in her memories." 

Dorian nodded solemnly. "So, do you know where she is?"

Cullen chuckled. "She doesn't know any of her old hiding spots and we've only managed to find a few of her new ones. I might suggest the Undercroft, the kennels or my loft as a starting point. Lailani is still small enough for her to carry up there."

"Ah, yes. I hear you're sharing accomodations again." Dorian commented.

"I sleep on the couch. She's usually very disoriented when she wakes up from a strong memory." He explained. "Is this your way of stalling?"

Dorian smiled, showing brilliant white teeth. "Certainly not. Excuse me, I have an elf and her ...dog-" he said the word with obvious distaste. "-to find."

\-----

Dorian stood at the bottom of the ladder to Cullen's loft. He could hear Dejah talking to her pup, trying to teach her to roll over by the sound of it. 

He mounted the ladder, the wood creaked under his weight and announced his presence. When his head popped into view, the grey mabari was at the entrance and started to bark furiously.

"Telahna." Dejah said sharply. Not a reprimand, a command. The pup immediately stopped and trotted back to where Dejah sat cross-legged on the floor.

"How delightful." Dorian commented. 

Dejah's face changed slightly and he feared he'd made a mistake. After all, she was closer to this dog than him at this point. "She's cautious of letting people she doesn't know near me."

What a painful truth. This little creature that spent all of her time with his best friend didn't know who he was. He stepped off the ladder and straightened his clothes. "My dear, I have to explain my behavior." He started.

"It's okay. I've heard everything." She said pulling the pup onto her lap and playing with her snow white ear.

"Dare I ask what you've heard and whom you've heard it from?" He asked, sitting down in front of her.

"Mother Giselle says that you were grooming the powerful Inquisitor to support your agenda in the Imperium and now that I don't remember any of that I'm of no use to you." Dejah looked up at him. Her face was a blank wall, but her eyes showed her hurt.

"Bull says that you just don't know how to deal with the situation so you hide from everyone in the library, including him." Dorian inwardly cringed at that one. Another hard truth. He had been neglecting everyone. Bull didn't deserve that either.

"Cullen just seems to think that you're worried I'm not me. That I'm someone else now. Someone who will judge you." She said quietly.

"Yes, he's made his opinion clear." Dorian commented.

"I hope the first one isn't true, but I feel like the last one is. I don't think of myself as before and after I lost everything. I think of it as her being gone and me just taking over her body. Everyone loved her and tolerates me." Dejah admitted. "Cullen doesn't like it when I say that."

"I don't much care for it myself." Dorian added. "The truth of it is a little more complicated than all that. Except for Mother Giselle. None of that speculation is accurate in the slightest." He assured her.

"You are, indeed, very special to me. From the start you valued my opinions and trusted my judgement. You always believed that I was in this mess to better myself and my people. But most importantly, you let me in. Let me be myself and encouraged me to embrace who I am." Dorian said with increasing enthusiasm. "You even confronted my father with me. I owe you much for that."

"The thought of losing that was, quite frankly, utterly terrifying. I don't think of you as family, you _are_ my family. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt. You are Dejah, memories or no. You've shown that simply by allowing me to explain myself. I am ashamed of myself and my actions and I intend to make it right however I can. That is, if you'll allow me to try." He added, heart clenching at the possibility that she would refuse him.

She sat up and onto her knees, displacing Lailani from her lap. She shuffled forward and wrapped her arms around Dorian. "Of course I will. I miss you." She said into his shoulder. 

He held her tight for a moment before letting her sit back again. "Now, my darling, would you like to tell me why you're hiding up here?"

\-----

_Cullen lay on his side, elbow resting between the pillows with his head propped on his hand. He was twirling a lock of her hair in his fingers, watching her face with a smile._

_Dejah was resting in her back, looking back up at him. Both of their waists were covered by her sheets, but her chest was bare to him. Her hair cascaded down her shoulders and he'd moved it aside to keep it from covering her breasts._

_She was still getting used to being completely nude around him. Even now, under his adoring gaze she felt the urge to pull the sheets up and cover herself. She knew he would never protest if she did. He always wanted her to be comfortable around him._

_The intense snow storm outside blotted out the sun and made any kind of outdoor training impossible. They were taking advantage of the weather to spend some time together. An evening of lovemaking and a late morning._

_Dejah took his hand and kissed his knuckles before running her fingers along his, comparing the side of their hands. His we're very much larger. Thick fingers covered with calluses. Her fingers were slender and smooth. Magic left no calluses._

_"They're so different." She commented before threading their fingers together._

_"Mmm, it's a problem when you're gone." He smiled._

_"How so?" She asked curiously._

_"Well, when you're away and I can't stop thinking about you I have to take care of things myself." He couldn't help but grin at the flush of her cheeks when she realized what he was talking about. "My hand rather ruins the fantasy." He chuckled._

_"I have the same problem." She admitted, still blushing. The rosy pink threw the dark blue of her vallaslin into sharp relief._

_"Is that so?" He asked with a satisfied grin. "So you miss all of the things my hands can do to you?" His voice lowered as he pulled his hand from hers. He shifted closer to her, his hard cock pressing against her hip._

_His hand slid below the sheets to tease the top of her thighs as he brought his lips close to her delicately pointed ear. "Do you like how rough my fingers are on your clit? Even when you're so thoroughly wet thinking of me?"_

_He whispered in her ear as his finger slid between slick lips to find and tease her clit. She shivered, keeping herself from clamping her thighs together. She was inhaling quickly, but the breath left her lungs in a slow stutter of anticipation._

_"Do you like how thick they are when they're inside you?" He asked, finger seeking lower to slide into her tight cunt. "Do you imagine one or two when you're by yourself?"_

_His voice was so husky in her ear, low and meant just for her. She wet her lips and swallowed before she could answer. ”Two.” She whispered._

_“What’s that?” He asked playfully, nuzzling her ear. He withdrew the one finger and then teased her entrance with the pads of his two middle fingers, circling around her. “I couldn’t quite hear you.”_

_“Devilish human!” She gasped, trying to push her hips so that his fingers would slip inside. “Two, I said!” The two teasing fingers immediately thrust inside and curled to hit the spot that made her moan. Her back arched and he felt her cunt clench around his fingers._

_“This is what I think about.” He whispered, voice almost musing. Clearly toying with her. “How incredibly tight you are. What it’s going to feel like the next time I get to bury myself inside of you. Is that what you imagine too?” His breath tickled her ear._

_“Your fingers can never get as deep as I can.” Cullen continued, making her whimper. “Do you long for that when you’re fingering yourself alone in your tent? How deep my cock can go? How completely I can fill your aching cunt?”_

_“Cullen, stop!” She cried, hips bucking._

_His fingers withdrew, lightly teasing her outer lips. When nothing happened for a few moments, her eyes flew to his smiling face._

_“What?” He asked innocently. “You did ask me to stop, did you not?”_

_“Stop teasing me!” She cried, lifting herself off the bed and pushing his shoulder so that he rolled onto his back. “Not stop altogether.” She slid her leg over hip, moving up to straddle him. She wrapped her hand around the erection resting against his taut stomach._

_“Well, you should have been more clear.” He tsked, resting back against the pillows to watch his lover._

_“I thought my ‘aching cunt’ had made that very clear.” She said with a raised brow. “You can’t talk like that and then not follow through.”_

_“Oh, I was going to.” He promised with a grin. “You’re just impatient.”_

_“Lucky for you!” She laughed as she raised herself up. She rotated her hips so that the tip of his cock teased her clit before finding her entrance. “You’re going to regret it when you get a taste of your own medicine.”_

_He had a hard time keeping the disinterested face when she began to slide down over his cock. “If you can be patient enough to-”_

Dejah snapped awake with a soft gasp. She gave herself a few moments to let the confusion clear before she tried to go back after the memory. What her mind couldn’t immediately pick up about the memory, her body did. Her smalls were wet and the soft silk of her nightgown felt like canvas against her peaked nipples. She covered her eyes and groaned, clenching her thighs in an attempt to bring some relief. Maybe it would fade soon and she could get back to sleep.

That only made things worse, a pulse of need shooting through her lower stomach. She’d been having more and more memories like that. From private moments with Cullen to intimate ones. The attraction was undeniable. She wanted him. Badly, as her body was reminding her. She lifted her head off the pillows. By the light of the fire, she could see Cullen sleeping peacefully on the couch. He was on his stomach, one arm hanging off the side. 

With quiet determination, she pushed the heavy blanket off of her body, leaving just the sheet. She was far too hot to need it. She raised the hem of her nightgown, slipping her hand beneath her smalls. Without even dipping between her lips she shivered with pleasure from the sheer anticipation.

A tentative touch of her clit made her body jerk. This was the first time, in her memory, that she'd ever touched herself. Other dreams and memories had left her aroused, but this need would not be ignored.

She bit her lip as she explored to hold back her moans and sighs. She might have been successful if fantasies of Cullen stopped invading her thoughts. As she explored her thoughts of keeping quiet faded. More focused on chasing the Cullen in her erotic memories than keeping the Cullen on her couch asleep.

"Dejah?" The sleepy voice made her gasp in surprise and freeze, one hand still buried in her smalls. _Shit, shit, shit!_ "Are you okay? It sounded like you were having a nightmare. Do you want to talk ab-" his voice cut off quickly. She realized his eyes had adjusted to the slight darkness. 

One leg was thrown out straight, the other drawn up at the knee and shifted to the side, opening herself to her questing hands. There was absolutely no mistaking what she had been doing.

"Oh, Maker." He breathed. Quickly, he averted his gaze as she scrambled to right herself. "I am so incredibly sorry." Cullen said quickly. "I'll give you some privacy. I'm so sorry." He said again, striding to the door. 

"Cullen!" She called out quickly to stop him. He did halt, but wouldn't turn to face her. "My hand ruins the fantasy." She quoted from the memory, unsure if that had been a memorable enough encounter for him to recognize the words he'd spoken.

She saw his hands clench. He was silent for so long she started to lose some of the nerve her arousal had granted her. 

"Will you stay?" Dejah asked hesitantly. "I want you." She admitted outright. Better to get it in the open.

Still, he was silent. "Why won't you look at me?" She asked quietly after another long period of silence.

"Because I'm afraid to." He answered gruffly.

"Because you won't see who you want to see?" She desperately tried to keep the hurt from her voice. 

"No." One word, sharp and tortured. "Because I'll see exactly what I want to see. The love of my life with that look in her eyes that I can't deny. I'm afraid I won't be able to stop myself from taking advantage of you."

"But, I'm asking you." She clarified. "My body remembers you. All of these memories are torture because I can't touch you. You already love me and I'm using that against you asking you to stay now. But I'm still asking."

He turned to look at her. His brows were furrowed and his hands were still in knuckle-white fists. As he watched, she pulled back the sheets on his side of the bed. An open invitation. As she did, the thin strap of her nightgown slid off her shoulder. 

Cullen's gut clenched painfully. How many times had he pushed that strap, perhaps on that very garment, over her shoulder to kiss his way to her neck without obstacles?

"The truth is that I'm falling in love with you." Her words made his eyes widen in surprise. "How could I not?" She laughed softly. The same laugh that made his stomach flutter hundreds of times before. "You said you were going to do everything you could to make me fall in love with you again. All of my trapped memories are trying to do that too."

"When I see you in my sleep and you look at me like I'm perfect and beautiful and everything you want in the world I fall for you more because I see it in your eyes when I'm awake too. Even after all of this, you still love me so strongly that you would never touch me again if I didn't want it." She smiled nervously and shrugged her bare shoulder. "But I do want it." She finished softly. "I want you. There's nothing to take advantage of."

He let out a huff of breath, his lungs expelling in surprise. He broke. He walked to the bed, urgency in his stride. As he walked, he tugged his shirt over his head and dropped it onto the floor.

Dejah let out a small hum of appreciation, laying back as he mounted the bed. One arm moved over to her opposite side and he leaned over her to capture her lips feverishly. They'd kissed several times since her late night visit to his office, but nothing remotely like this.

He moved over her slowly, blanketing her body. Her hands slid over his bare chest and to his shoulders. Cullen broke the kiss, taking a steadying breath.

"Tell me if I'm going too fast." He said softly.

"You aren't." She assured him in a whisper. Her hand cupped the back of his neck and drew him back down to her. The warm smile before he kissed her again made her heart flutter. There was no denying how this man felt about her.

She hooked a leg over his hip, her heel pressing into his lower back, pushing him down as she raised her own hips. He groaned at the contact of his hard cock against her. His hand moved to her hip, squeezing and rocking her against him for the sweet feel of friction.

His hand left her hip leaving red marks where his fingers had dug in. He explored her side, fingers sliding easily over the silk nightgown. He released her lips as his hand covered one breast, balancing its weight in his palm.

"I know what you used to like, but if I do something that you-" Cullen was cut off when she surged up to kiss him again, her hand fisting in his hair. She wanted to show him all of the passion and need that had built up in her.

"Stop worrying." She ordered against his lips. She rested back on the bed again and smiled. "It's going to be perfect. You're perfect."

“I thought I was the one who was supposed to reassure you. It’s your first time. Again.” He leaned over her to kiss her neck. She tilted her head to give him room, closing her eyes to enjoy his lips and stubbled skin against her neck. 

“Were you my first? Before?” She asked softly, exploring his back with her hands. Slowly learning the iron muscles that shifted under his skin when he moved. 

He raised his head to look at her again. “I was. I’m still amazed you gave that to me. And you are again, it seems.” He chuckled, pinching her nipple and making her yelp in surprise. 

Lailani started barking, jumping against the side of the bed in an attempt to protect her master. She couldn’t quite make it and ended up sliding off time after time. 

“Lai!” Dejah laughed. “Telahna, little girl. I’m fine. Cullen wouldn’t hurt me.” The little mabari whined, but went to go lay down by the fire. Cullen was grateful that she didn’t stare at them, instead closing her eyes to go back to sleep. 

He returned to her lips, teasing with his tongue until she opened for him and responded with her own. His hand moved to her thigh where he drew up the nightgown. His fingers ghosted over her hip and up her stomach, until…

Dejah gasped, her entire body jerking when his fingers ran over the scars on her stomach. He was about to apologize first when she blurted out; “I’m sorry!” She took a deep breath and took his hand, placing it back on her stomach. “I-I guess I forgot they were there. They weren’t there when I was dreaming of you.” 

“I won’t touch them if you don’t want me to.” He said, keeping his hand still where she’d placed it. 

“No, it’s okay!” She said quickly. “They’re a part of me now. Who better to help me get used to them? Unless,” She hesitated. “Unless you’re put off by them.” 

“Of course not.” Cullen replied immediately. “Every part of you is beautiful. I love all of your scars.” To show her he meant it, he made his way lower on her body, straddling her lower legs. He pushed the nightgown up with both hands, revealing her torso. Even in the faint fire light he could see the terrible gashes that had almost taken her life. He remembered them at their worst though he tried to push that image from his mind. 

He laid a gentle kiss on the deepest one that cut through her belly button. His thumbs brushed over her sides as he circled her ribs with his hands. He lavished kisses and licks along her scars while she watched him. His eyes darted up to hers, looking through his lashes. He loved the look on her face. Awe at his acceptance. 

“I want to see all of you.” He murmured against her skin, kissing lower until he reached the band of her smalls. His fingers hooked over the band at the sides of her hips. He pulled them down slowly as she lifted her hips. As he drew them down her legs, he let his fingers roam as well. When she was free of them, she settled her legs back on the bed, bent slightly with her knees tucked together. 

“That won’t do.” He said softly. “I can’t taste you like that.” 

“Taste me?” She almost squeaked out the words. His hands rested on her knees, gently pushing them apart. She let him, opening her legs for him even as she swallowed nervously. “I thought we were going to…” She left off, faltering for words. 

“Oh, we are. But that isn’t all there is to it.” He settled between her legs, his warm breath washing over her center. “Besides, I need you so badly I won’t last long when I’m inside of you.” His tongue quested between her lips, immediately seeking her clit. She closed her eyes and moaned, laying back and trusting what he was doing. “I’m going to bring you to the edge.” He promised, sliding a finger inside of her tight cunt. “And then I’m going to bury myself inside of you...” Another pass over her clit, this time a flick with the tip of his tongue. “And make you come undone around me.” 

“Okay.” She gasped out breathlessly like an idiot. She couldn’t think of anything else to say as his finger started to pump inside of her. He sucked her clit between his lips and hummed softly, making her clench around his finger. “Oh, Cullen.” She groaned. 

“Don’t hold back. I love to hear you.” He growled against her before returning to the little pearl that was driving her crazy. He added a second finger, curling up as he teased her. She moaned as she buried her hand in his hair. 

It was better than she imagined. More intense than any memory. The way he moaned into her core, how he pumped his fingers inside of her at just the right angle. How his hand gripped her hip to keep her from flying off the bed. She moaned his name, making him respond with more enthusiasm. 

She could feel it building in her stomach. The deep thrum that was winding up tight. She lost herself in the sensations he was bringing her. Closer and closer until he did as promised. He brought her to the edge and when he felt her start to clench around him, body tensing, he pulled away. 

She didn’t whine or complain when he pulled away. She knew he had better things planned for her. She opened her eyes to watch him slide off the bed. He was about to untie his pants when she sat up, reaching out to grab his wrist and stop him. 

“I’d like to. If that’s okay.” When he smiled, she could see some of her slick glistening on his lips. He nodded, letting his hands fall to his sides. She smiled nervously up at him, then turned her eyes down to the task at hand. She untied the laces and pulled the fabric of his loose pants apart, freeing his hard cock. 

Distracted, she didn’t push the pants down any further. Instead, she drank him in, seeing him for the first time and yet the hundredth. She drew a fingertip around his belly button, then followed the faint line of hair that grew darker and thicker the further down she went. When she reached the base of his cock, she ran her finger down the top. Gently, she wrapped her hand around him, stroking back toward his body to reveal the pink, swollen head. 

He let out a soft moan, sliding his fingers through her dark hair. “Are you nervous?” He asked gently. 

“A little.” She admitted, looking up at him. She released him when he reached down to pull her nightgown over her head. She lifted her arms obediently, anticipation tightening again in her stomach. 

He pushed off his pants and stepped out of them, heavy cock bobbing with each movement. “You’re sure this is what you want?” He asked, unable to keep himself from asking. 

“Absolutely.” She responded immediately. No hesitation, she wanted him. 

"Lay back." He ordered softly. She shimmied back onto the bed, laying across it. Cullen moved over her, straddling her right leg and pulling her left over his hip. As he did, his hand ran under her thigh, fingers splayed wide to take in as much of her as possible.

She closed her eyes and bit her lip in anticipation when she felt the head of his cock press against her entrance. Slowly, he started to enter her, making her breath come faster.

"Open your eyes." He said softly, pausing in his thrust until she complied. "I want to see your eyes." He smiled, pushing into her completely. He loved how her eyes widened when he filled her, pressing against the back of her cunt.

"How do you feel?" He asked her, hand ghosting over her drawn up leg.

"Amazing!" She gasped, gyrating against him. "You?"

"I've missed this." He admitted. Slowly, he pulled out part way and sank back in with a satisfied grunt. "I've missed you." He clarified.

Watching her face he began to thrust slowly. Each stroke long and deep, making her moan and sigh in pleasure. Dejah's hand covered her breast, teasing while he pumped into her.

Cullen captured the free one, pinching her nipple as he pushed in fast and deep. She cried out, arching her back. He loved the sight of her blush, blooming in her cheeks and moving down her neck and chest. 

Being inside of her again was pure bliss. Hot and wet and so tight it was like a fist gripping him. He began to pick up his pace, unable to help himself. He needed more of her. All of her. Coming undone around him, crying out his name.

Maker, he longed to hear it. He missed all of her sounds, the little gasps, how her breath hissed through her teeth when he pinched her nipple or teased her clit. The wet noise of his cock driving into her with the satisfying smack of flesh hitting flesh.

But most of all, how she cried out his name. When pleasure overtook her, she still thought only of him. His was the first name she'd cried out in pleasure and Maker willing it would be the only one.

"I want you to come with me." Dejah moaned out, raising her hips to meet his with each thrust. "Please...oh! Just like that!" She cried out.

He kept that pace, maintained that angle. He'd found the spot that made her tingle and shiver and he didn't intend to change it. Instead, he added to it by spreading his hand over her mound, his thumb seeking between her wet lips to tease her clit.

She hissed in pleasure, the sound emptying into a whimper. He circled the sensitive nerves with the pad of his thumb, edging around it. 

"Cullen!" The name ripped from her mouth. A plea, reverence and need combined. 

"You're close again, aren't you?" He asked, his voice edged with hunger. "Come for me, beautiful." His thumb pressed directly over her clit and she cried out.

"Harder." She moaned, holding back. He could tell she was. Just a little longer. "And do that again. Will you come with me?"

"It's impossible for me not to when you do. Your tight cunt and my name on your lips. Come for me!" He ordered, his thrusts turning shallow, but hard, giving her what she needed. Their hips thudded together as he pressed on her clit again. 

When she first fell over the edge the sensation was so intense she could only gasp, her lungs filling with air. Then, she cried out his name as she began to convulse around his cock. 

With a roar, he felt himself start to spill inside of her. Feeling the intensity of her orgasm, seeing it, hear it, there was no way he couldn't follow. She continued to flutter around him and he continued to thrust, the mutual feel urging them both on.

With a final grunt, he pushed into her, the force of it pushing her across the bed slightly. Her core continued to clench around him every few moments, aftershocks of pleasure that made her whimper.

He leaned over her, blanketing her body with his. He kissed her lightly, lovingly. Cullen captured her little noises as she came back down. Pulling away from her lips, he rested his forehead against her own. She shifted her body in subtle movements to feel him against her while she nuzzled his nose.

He lifted his head, smiling down at her. Her response was to frown slightly and touch his cheek. "What's wrong?"

"Absolutely nothing." He assured her. 

"Then why are your eyes so sad?" Her fingertips lightly ghosted over his brow, down his cheek. She slid her leg up and then back down his hip, hooking her foot around his leg.

"I'm not sad." He promised her with a smile. "I'm adjusting. This is usually the part where I tell you how much I love you and curl up with you until we fall asleep."

"Do you regret this?" She asked a little hesitantly. 

"Maker, no!" His response was immediate. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable with my professions of love if you aren't ready for them." He chuckled and kissed her forehead. Slowly, he pulled his softening cock from her inviting body. 

He strode across the room and poured fresh water from the pitcher to the basin. He dipped in a soft cloth and wrung it out. Moving back to her, he cleaned her gently. She watched him, taking the time to stare while he was distracted. To learn his face and body.

After cleaning himself, he walked back to the bed. "Do you want me to stay?" He asked, no judgement in his voice, but a small amount of hopefulness. 

"Of course I do!" She sat up and shifted onto her knees. Kneeling on the edge of the bed, she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her chin on his chest to look up at him. He slid his arms around her and smiled.

"Those beautiful blue eyes captivate me." He said softly, the scar on his lip ticked up slightly. 

"They love watching you." She commented. Releasing him, she turned to lay in the bed properly. His hand sought hers, squeezing gently. "Will you sleep with me tonight?" She asked, returning the pressure.

"No, I think I'll sleep on the couch." He said gently, releasing her hand.

"I-oh. Okay." She stuttered, surprised by his answer.

"Are you mad, woman?" He laughed. "Of course I'll sleep with you. For as long as you will have me."

"Well, now I don't want you to." She said haughtily. "I bet you're the type of man my father warned me about."

Cullen couldn't help but laugh at that. There had been more important lessons to teach her than the mage-Templar dynamic. "I can guarantee it."

Crawling over her, he flopped down onto his side of the bed. Pulling the blankets over them, he wrapped an arm around her and hauled her against him. She wiggled back against him, getting comfortable.

"Good night, sweetling." He murmured against her hair. 

"Good night." She whispered back into the darkness.

\-----

It felt like it had been hours since Cullen had fallen asleep. He'd released his grip on her and was laying on his back. She kept herself tucked back against his side, but sleep wasn't finding her again. She was staring, wide-eye awake, at the fire in the hearth. 

She thought this was what she wanted. That being with him would bring something back. Make her feel more like her. Instead, she felt terrible. A dense knot settled in her chest until she couldn't stand it. 

Ever so slowly she moved away from Cullen, sliding out of the bed. She managed to find her smalls and his shirt in the darkness. A pair of pants from an inched open drawer made her suitable for walking around the keep at night. 

She was about to leave when there was a low whine behind her. She looked over her shoulder at Lailani. The pup looked pathetic. Her face conveyed her disappointment that Dejah would even think of leaving without her.

"Okay." Dejah hissed. "But be quiet."

The pup's rear shot off the floor as she stood and started to wiggle furiously. What wag she lacked in tail she made up for in body wiggles.

Dejah looked back at the man sleeping in her bed and her breath caught. He looked ...right. Like he belonged there. Before the sting in her eyes manifested into tears, she left and quietly shut the door behind her. 

\-----

telahna: hush, be quiet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and for commenting. It really, truly makes my day!
> 
> I also have a fledgling tumblr, jacklyn-flynn, where I'm planning on posting little teasers of what I'm working on. (As well as reposting art and such from people far more talented with a pencil than I!)


	5. Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dejah finally understands what everyone has been trying to tell her and hopes that she can salvage her relationship with Cullen.

Something woke Cullen before the sun rose. He smiled happily and took in a deep breath. Arbor blessing and pine. Dejah. His chest tightened with emotion just thinking of her. Of the night they had shared. Maker, everything was perfect. She was perfect. She was giving him another opportunity to build their life together.

He rolled onto his side, facing her side of the bed. Lazily, he reached out to pull her against him. Even if it was just her foot brushing his leg, he liked to be touching her when he woke. His eyes cracked open when his hand didn’t find her smooth skin. The bed was empty. He wasn’t concerned immediately. Running a hand through his hair, he sat up. 

The fire was just a dull glow but he could see she wasn’t sitting by it. The door to her bathroom was open, the interior dark. He doubted she would be outside, but he glanced through the balcony doors, looking for any shadows. With a frown, he slipped out of bed. 

“Dejah?” He called out, loud enough that she would hear him if she was still in her quarters. He lit a candle from the bedside table so that he could see better in the darkened room. He found his pants and slipped them on. His shirt was missing. So was Lailani. That gave him some comfort. Wherever she was, she wasn’t alone. 

Where _was_ she though? Why had she left? She’d said she wanted him. Did she change her mind? Maker’s breath, did he do something wrong? His immediate thought was to go after her. He had one boot on already before he realized he shouldn’t. She was an adult. Capable of making her own choices. If something was bothering her and she wanted to talk to him, she would have woken him. If she’d wanted him to know where she was going, she would have left a note. 

She knew the keep now. She wouldn’t get lost. He had to trust her. Had to. It was part of the foundation of their relationship since she’d lost her memories. He _trusted_ that she was the same person. Smart, capable, independent. She didn’t need him hovering like a mama bear. 

He ran a hand through his hair, his fingers fisting in the back until pain bit into his scalp. “Don’t go after her.” He said aloud, letting the pain ground him. Closing his eyes, he let his head fall back. “Maker, please let her come back to me.” 

\-----

Dejah realized, as she walked up the stairs to Dorian’s room, that she was getting into the unfortunate habit of waking people up in the middle of the night to solve her problems. She just didn’t know what else to do. Dorian had insisted that she could go to him with anything at any time. She only hoped he’d meant it. She figured, at the very least, she would see if he was being honest about wanting to build their relationship back up to what it had been. The Dorian of her memories wouldn’t hesitate to take her in, even in the middle of the night. 

Lailani padded silently beside her, head in line with Dejah’s knee. From there, she could anticipate when Dejah would turn so that she never went ahead, fell behind, or headed in the wrong direction. Blackwall had been impressed with how quickly she had picked up on the heel position. With anything really. She was smart and loyal. The perfect companion for their Inquisitor, he’d declared. 

When Dejah stopped at Dorian’s door, the pup immediately sat down and looked up at her. She knocked, loudly so that he would wake up. Silence. “Dorian?” She called out, knocking again. Still nothing. Her shoulders dropped and she felt tears stinging her eyes again. That was another unfortunate habit. Crying. She wondered if she had been this emotional before losing her memories. 

She raised her head when she realized she knew where he might be. Bull’s quarters. He’d mentioned how guilty he felt for keeping Bull out too. Perhaps he was making amends with him as well as her. That was outside the main keep and across the courtyard. It was still snowing, but not as badly as it had been earlier. It didn’t matter. She needed someone to talk to. She knew from her memories that she was pretty close to the Qunari. Surely he would be able to give her advice as well. 

The air was bitterly cold, especially without any sort of cold weather protection on. She walked quickly, the thin house slippers on her feet weren’t doing much good. The snow was deep enough that it teased the open tops of her feet and her ankles, sending shivers up her legs. When they climbed the stairs and entered the hallway that lead to Bull’s room, Lailani shook herself off, dispersing the snow that had covered her back. 

She stood before Bull’s door now but hesitated. She would be waking two people. It was selfish. But the thought of facing Cullen was by far the scarier option. If she didn’t wake Bull and Dorian, she would have to find somewhere else to spend the night. So, she knocked. For a moment, there was nothing. She knocked again, a little louder. 

An odd grunt carried through the door. A sound of acknowledgement. Her heart started to race when she realized that meant that someone was coming to the door. She would have to face someone. Tell them what she’d done. She steeled herself. No tears. 

A tired looking Bull opened the door. “Boss.” He said in surprise. “Everything okay?” 

“I was hoping I could talk to Dorian. And you. I-I did something stupid. I really need someone to talk to.” She explained. “I’m sorry to wake you.” 

“Hey, no worries.” Bull said, opening the door and motioning for her to come in. “Kadan, put some pants on.” He said a little louder. “Dejah is here.” The room was in complete disarray. An axe was embedded in the footboard of the bed. Bottles were scattered everywhere. The desk had a broken leg. And yet, with the warm fire and sight of someone else in the bed, she knew that there was happiness here. 

“I’m coming. I swear.” Dorian said groggily from the bed. He rummaged around the side of the bed and moved a little awkwardly but the end result was his lower half covered in pants when he stood. They were typical Dorian. Extravagant. Soft black silk with a wide, gold embroidered waist that sat high on his hips. Flattering. No wonder Bull liked him. The man could dress.

Dorian started to walk over, but stopped when he saw Lailani sitting beside Dejah with her lip raised. “I know just how to deal with you.” He said, walking to a table in the corner. “An ancient, sacred Tevinter tradition. A skill used for generations.” He turned back around dramatically with a piece of cheese in his hand. “Bribery.” 

He knelt down and let Lailani cautiously pad her way over to him. She took the cheese gently between her teeth, but didn’t pull, instead waiting for Dorian to release it. She even let him scratch her head before she went to lay by the fire and gnaw on the hunk of cheese.

Dorian stood, looking satisfied with himself. When he looked at Dejah though, he frowned, brows furrowing. “Darling,” His name for her made her breath hitch and tears sting her eyes. “Are you okay?” Both Dorian and Bull were looking at her, concerned. These were the men from her memories. Very few things brought people closer together than fighting together. 

“Oh, Dorian.” A sob ripped from her chest. “I did something terrible.” She got out before the crying made it hard to talk. 

He tsked softly and walked over to her, gathering her in his arms. “I’m sure it can’t be as bad as all of this.” He said soothingly, leading her to sit on the side of the bed. Bull settled on her other side, making the mattress sink in. “Just tell me what happened. I’m sure we can fix it.” Dorian promised, holding her hand between his. 

She composed herself enough to talk, though she couldn’t meet the eyes of either man. “I slept with Cullen.” 

Both men were silent, waiting for the other shoe to drop. After a moment, Dorian spoke up. “Is that all? That’s what you did?”

“Did he hurt you? Force you to?” Bull asked, an edge of darkness in his voice. 

“No!” She said quickly. “Not at all. I forced him.” She sniffed. “He loves me, and I used that against him. I had a dream-a memory of us together. I woke up…” She didn’t know how to finish. 

“Horny?” Bull provided helpfully. 

“Amatus!” Dorian hissed, giving Bull a ‘behave’ look. Bull widened his eye in return, raising his shoulders in a ‘what?’ gesture. 

“He’s not wrong.” Dejah said with a short but unamused laugh. “I just-he was there and I wanted him. I was selfish. I used him. I knew I was doing it. I couldn’t stop myself.”

“It was perfect.” She continued. “Like in my dreams. And he was so attentive. He put me first. It was ...amazing.” She finished lamely, guilt riding her voice. 

Dorian took a moment to gather his words, glancing up at a confused Bull. “Darling, forgive me. I still don’t understand exactly what you did wrong. You care for him, do you not?” 

“Yes, but I don’t know if I love him.” She argued.

“You don’t need love to fu-” Dorian glared at Bull. “Make love.” Bull finished, realizing how idiotic he sounded. 

“But Cullen,” She started, looking up at him. “It’s important to him I think. He doesn’t just sleep with anyone.”

“Darling, he isn’t just sleeping with _anyone_.” Dorian pointed out. “He’s sleeping with you. He loves you. I understand that’s what is upsetting you, I just don’t understand _why_ it’s upsetting you.” He said gently. 

“I do.” Bull said. The two mages looked up at him expectantly. “You’re upset _because_ you love him.” He explained. “Why else would you show up here in the middle of the night in tears? You have to care real deep for it to hurt that much.” He said, voice suggesting this was coming from a place of experience. 

Dejah opened her mouth, but didn’t know what to say. 

“Mmm,” Dorian hummed in agreement. “I think he’s right, Darling.” 

“But I can’t love him.” She argued. 

“Whyever not?” Dorian asked, one brow raising slightly. 

“Because I'm not h-”

“Her.” Both men finished at the same time. 

“You’re pretty fucking stubborn, you know that Boss?” Bull asked with a chuckle. “And you don’t listen either.” 

“You could have put it a little more delicately.” Dorian chastised. 

“I don’t do delicate.” Bull returned. “If she hasn’t relearned that already, she’ll pick it up pretty quick. You want delicate, you go to Josie. You want it hard, I’m you’re guy.” He grinned, the innuendo clear.

Dejah stifled a laugh at their interaction. Dorian was glaring at his lover like he could murder him right there, in that moment. 

“Look at me” Dorian said, his face turning gentle when he addressed her. She looked into his eyes. “Your getting memories back each night, correct?" Dejah nodded.

“So, assuming you are two different people, the Dejah that was and the Dejah that is now, they’re starting to blend. Like two glasses of water being poured together. Pretty soon no one will be able to tell you apart.” He reasoned. “And, even if you’re two different people, you’re still made of the same stuff.”

“You are the same person that you were before.” Dorian said, squeezing her hand gently. “Really, we know you better than you know yourself.” He pointed out. “You can trust us when we say that you are, without fail, Dejah Lavellan. You may have to relearn your magic, but it’s still your magic. You might not get that one inside joke, but there will be new ones.”

“Not one person here thinks of you as someone else.” Bull promised. “And if they do, they can fuck right the fuck out of the Inquisition.” 

Dejah laughed, smiling up at him. "Thanks, Bull." He nodded and smiled back at her.

"I'm going to ask you a question and I don't want you to think about the answer. Understand?" Dorian asked gently. She nodded. "If Cullen asked you to marry him, what would you say?"

"Yes." She answered immediately.

"Why yes?" Asked Bull.

"Because I love him." She said quietly. Dejah laughed softly. "I love him."

"Does it really matter where it comes from? If it came from a memory but you feel it now, is it not still love?" Dorian prodded.

"No, I suppose not. I just feel like he deserves better."

Bull chuckled. "Yeah, he used to say that a lot about you."

"Used to?" 

Dorian nodded. "Apparently he and Josephine had a come to Maker talk when you almost died. It appears he has decided to cherish his time with you without those distracting and silly thoughts. You should consider it as well. He has picked you and you have picked him. The matter of 'deserves' is a moot point in that situation."

Tears still clung to the corner of her eyes. She nodded and stood from the bed. "I suppose I should go talk to him."

The two men stood as well. "Bull will walk you back. Use this so you don't freeze to death." Dorian wrapped a lush wool lined coat around her. Dejah surprised him with a hug, holding him tightly for a minute. He returned it happily, kissing the top of her head.

When she wrapped her arms around Bull's considerable waist, he chuckled and hugged her back. "We're always here for you, Boss. Let's get you home."

\-----

When Cullen heard the door open, he shot to his feet. He couldn’t let out his breath though until he saw her walk in. He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. “Maker’s breath…” He whispered under his breath. All of the nervous energy still had him wound tightly, but at least she was there and safe. 

“Dejah.” His relief was clear in his tone. He saw Bull walk in behind her, carrying Lailani. The puppy was nearly asleep in his arms and he set her on the end of the bed with surprising gentleness. “Are you okay?” Cullen asked Dejah gently. 

She shrugged off her coat. No, he realized, not her coat. "I'm okay. I'm sorry if I worried you." What an understatement. Not that he would ever tell her that. His overprotectiveness was his problem to deal with. 

She handed the coat to Bull and stood up on her tiptoes, giving him an expectant look. With a grin, he bent over, letting her kiss his cheek. She pecked it again before he could stand. "Give that one to Dorian."

Bull chuckled and gave Cullen a wink before leaving. Dejah turned back to Cullen, nervousness making her brows furrow slightly. 

"Dejah, if that was too much, I'm sorry." Cullen ached to reach out and touch her. "It was far too soon and I rushed you and-"

"I love you." She said in the middle of his sentence.

"-I promise it won't...wait." He frowned slightly. "Did you just-did you just say you loved me?"

"I did." She confirmed.

He didn't know what he wanted to say, but words fell out of his mouth anyway without his permission. "Then why did you leave?"

There was hurt in his voice. It made her heart constrict knowing it was because of her. She’d seen that lost look in his eyes far to many times since she’d woken up. Like when she didn’t remember their first kiss. It was part of the reason why she’d felt she didn’t deserve him. Now, she realized those were her chances to make something new and stronger. 

“Because, I was stupid and I didn’t trust you.” She admitted. His frown deepened but she smiled in response. “Please, don’t look at me like that. You’ll make me cry. It isn’t what you think.” She took a few steps forward, reaching out for his hand. “How can I explain this?” She said, softly and almost to herself. Her thoughts were a jumbled mess. 

She was afraid he wouldn’t meet her half way, let her elaborate. Her hand was still outstretched, waiting for him. She was about to drop it when he grabbed her wrist and tugged, making her fall against him. One hand rested on the small of her back, holding her tight. His other hand ran through her hair, gently pulling her head back so that he could kiss her. 

Despite her fumbled words, there was relief so strong in his actions that it caught her off guard. All of the turmoil and doubt inside of her was absent in him. Cullen was steadfast and sure. She truly didn’t know where she’d be without him. She was certain she wouldn’t have come to the revelation that she was still Dejah so quickly. All because of his unwavering certainty in her. 

She wound her arms around his neck, standing on tiptoes to kiss him back. His hand tightened in her hair briefly before sliding to her cheek. He put gentle pressure against it with his palm as he pulled away. “You explain from the beginning and take as long as you need.” He said softly, his thumb stroking her cheekbone. With gentle pressure on her lower back, he led her to the couch. They sat down together, knees touching. 

“Every memory I had, everything you told me felt so far away. Like I would never get that back. I was so focused on the past, even when everyone told me it wasn’t important. Everyone knew this wonderful woman except for me.” She paused to gather her words. He didn’t try to interrupt, just held her hand tightly. 

“You were so incredibly … _perfect_. Everything I could imagine I wanted. But I felt like you belonged to her. That I was somehow making you unfaithful. You just kept insisting I was the same person. Waiting patiently for me to figure that out for myself. That’s where I was stupid and didn’t trust you. I fought it tooth and nail, falling in love with you again. It wasn’t my place, by your side. I didn’t deserve you.” 

The tips of his fingers brushed her cheek as he tucked her hair behind her pointed ear. “And then Dorian and Bull made me come face to face with it. I had been trying so hard not to fall in love with you, for your sake, but it happened anyway. Then, on the way back here I realized something.” She looked up at him and smiled. He was listening so intently. “You love Dejah.” She said each word with emphasis. “Completely.” 

She could tell that he wanted to say something, badly. “And if you ever lost Dejah, you wouldn’t fall in love again so quickly. But, you loved me. From the moment I woke up. So, logically, if you loved me, then I had to be Dejah.”

Gathering her courage, she rose from her seat. She moved to straddle his lap, forcing him to sit back against the couch. She grabbed the back of the couch behind his head and rested her arms on his shoulders, leaning close. “And, I love you. When I remember us together, it feels the same as it does when I’m awake. And if my love for you is the same, then I must be too.” 

His hands ran over her sides, around to her back. “Can you forgive me?” She asked softly, brushing her lips against his with the barest touch. With a low growl, he captured her lips. She happily returned the kiss, pressing herself against him. 

It was peaceful, their interaction. Lazy and loving. Her lips moved against his, soft noises escaping her. There was no need to hurry and no pressure to give or take more. When they parted, she smiled. Her lips were plump and rosy from his attentions. 

“Right now.” She said softly. “Right this moment is the first time I’ve relaxed since I’ve woken up. I’m just…”

“Dejah.” He finished for her, smiling.

“You helped me find myself. I made it hard on you, but you did it. You never doubted.” She said, almost in wonder. 

“Because I know _you_.” His eyes shone with conviction. Cullen closed his eyes and rested his forehead against hers. “I would have waited for you forever. I would again.” He promised. 

They were silent for a while. No words needed to be said in that moment. The sun would rise shortly and with it would come many of the same troubles as yesterday. But not this. Never this again. 

“We need to get some sleep.” He said, after a long while of simply enjoying her close to him. 

She kissed him lightly before moving off of his lap. “It has been quite the night, hasn’t it?” There was a hint of weariness in her voice. She shimmied out of the pants and grabbed the hem of the shirt she’d been wearing. His. He stopped her with a light touch to her hand. 

“Leave it on. I like you in it.” He said with a coy smile. He pulled back the covers and let her slip in before pulling them up to her chest. Walking around to the other side of the bed, he slid under the covers as well. 

Dejah turned onto her side, away from him and scooted back. He met her in the middle of the bed and pulled her tight against him. Closing his eyes, he breathed in her scent and marveled at her warm body against him. Again. Finally. 

“I love you.” She murmured sleepily, covering his hand with hers where it rested over her stomach. 

“I love you.” He returned with a smile. He was about to fall asleep when he felt something move on the bed. Little footsteps walking up the side of the bed behind him. A small paw tested its weight on his hip before Lailani walked over him. She tried to step between himself and Dejah, but didn’t realize there was nothing to step on. Instead, she tumbled over Dejah’s hip and onto the bed. 

Also mostly asleep, Dejah let out a breathy chuckle. Like she’d meant to do that all along, Lailani simply rolled slightly so that she was pressed up against Dejah’s stomach. She twitched a bit, jerking limbs to get comfortable before finally settling down with her head resting on Cullen’s arm as it draped over Dejah.

Even as the sky started to lighten with the new day, the three slept soundly. Comforted by the nearness of the others, they were unbothered by dreams, nightmares or memories. For the first time in months, true peace had found its way to the Inquisitor’s quarters once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost there! I think I will be wrapping this up in the next chapter. Thank you so much for reading. All of your comments mean so much to me and absolutely make my day, long or short. I'm so excited that people enjoy my writing enough to want me to write their prompts, truly honored!


	6. The Fix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After months of searching, Dorian finds something that may restore the Inquisition's leader. Like most of their endeavours, it dangerous, and Cullen is reluctant to let her go back into danger again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so very sorry this took so long! My life has been in one of those "when it rains, it pours" sort of phases. It's a little short but I also decided I needed at least one more chapter, hopefully in a shorter time period than this one!

Dejah was roused from sleep by the insistant knocking on her door. She opened her eyes, blinking against the late morning sunlight. She glanced over and found Cullen, usually easy to wake, still asleep. 

She slipped out of bed. Making the decision that Cullen's shirt on her was cover enough, she opened the door. 

"Good morning, Inquisitor. Ser Dorian requests the council convene at noon." The messenger advised cordially. 

"We'll be there, thank you." She replied, stifling a yawn. 

He nodded and headed back down the stairs. He turned before she closed the door. “Herald?” 

“Yes?” She asked.

“That’s in an hour, if you didn’t know.” He said it hesitantly. 

Dejah glanced out the balcony doors and turned back to the messenger with a small laugh. “I didn’t, actually. Thank you.” She said, hoping it sounded genuine and not tired. He returned the smile and nodded.

When she turned back to the bed, she found Cullen on his back, one arm thrown over his eyes. She smiled and climbed back onto the bed toward him. Taking advantage of his state of undress, she laid gentle kisses on his chest. 

Cullen hummed in appreciation, but didn't react otherwise. She continued, moving to his stomach. As she kissed his skin, she teased with her tongue, leaving behind little wet marks.

"Sweetling," Cullen moaned gently. "You're playing with fire."

She laughed softly. "I'm a mage, I love playing with fire." She murmured against his skin. Her hand moved to the laces of his pants. They'd been hastily tied up last night when he found her missing.

The result was a nasty knot she had to work at. He'd already been partially hard from waking and her kisses. The more her fingers brushed against him working the knot the more aroused he got.

When she finally untied the laces, she slid her hand into his trousers, wrapping her hand around his considerable erection. He moaned and his cock twitched in response. Perpendicular to his body, she knelt over him on her knees, her ass thrust temptingly in the air, just barely covered by the hem of his shirt. 

She started to stroke him with agonizing slowness. As she did, a pearl of translucent white formed at the head of his cock. Glancing up at him through the side of her eyes, she slid the flat of her tongue over the swollen head, lapping up the bead. She smiled when he let out a low groan. 

He raised his arm and lifted his head to look down at her. She shifted her hair to the side, resting the mass of it in his lap so that he could see her face. He watched as her slim fingers delicately stroked him from base to tip and back down again. Her mouth as tantalizingly close and he found himself holding his breath, waiting for the touch of her lips.

At the top of her next stroke, she moved his cock toward his stomach and knelt over further, her tongue touching first where her lips followed, teasing the skin at the very base of his cock where it loosened and descended to his balls. She suckled softly, making him release the breath in a whoosh. Urged on by his reactions, she ran her tongue along the underside of his cock. 

When she reached the head, she took it into her mouth, swirling her tongue around it. He gasped and his head fell back. “Maker’s breath…” He murmured. Her mouth moved down over him, her hand working in tandem. 

Her reached out to push a lock of hair over her ear, then caressed down her back. “You’re so beautiful.” He said softly, moaning when he felt the back of her throat. It constricted slightly as she held back her reflex to gag, drawing back up over him slowly. Her head started to bob over him, lips forming a soft seal. Her cheeks hollowed and he could feel her tongue teasing every time she drew up. 

His hand slid down to her ass, squeezing gently. She moaned around him, the vibration on his cock making him mirror the sound. He let the sensation take him, instead focusing on her. He pulled at the hem of his shirt, exposing the soft swell of her ass. His hand slid down, stroking the back of her thigh. 

Dejah dipped her back, pressing back into his hand. Her mouth left his cock, the cooler air making him suck in a breath. He teased her slit with questing fingers. “Is all of this for me?” He asked, the pads of his fingers finding slick arousal. 

“Mmhmm.” She murmured, kissing down the underside of his cock. She suckled the loose skin over his balls before licking back up to the swollen head. He hissed at that, sharp breath sucked in through his teeth.

“Would you like to try something new?” He asked, watching her stroke him slowly. Her eyes met his and she smiled. “Something new for both of us, that we haven’t done before.” He clarified, flicking her clit with his finger, making her twitch. 

“Something we’ll both share and remember?” Her smile widened when he nodded. “Okay, what is it?” 

His hand moved to her hip, nudging her closer to him. “Straddle my shoulders.” He instructed. For a moment, she was confused. He knew the moment she figured it out because her eyes widened and her mouth opened to a soft ‘o’. A lovely blush bloomed behind her vallaslin. 

She cleared her throat and shimmied her body around. Carefully, so as not to knee him in the face, she straddled him. His hands slid over her thighs and she could feel his warm breath against her skin.

Cullen pushed his tunic up to her lower back, hands roaming wherever he could reach while he kissed his way to her core. He knew she was hesitant so he was surprised when she took him deep into her mouth again. His hands tightened on her thighs. 

He licked up her slit, from clit to entrance and her back arched to press her body against his. He found it hard to concentrate when she was working over him so incredibly. He suckled her clit, moaning as he did. 

He felt her moan around his cock in return. She bobbed over him, her hand working in tandem with her mouth. Her tongue certainly wasn't idle, teasing his head every time she withdrew. Little hums and moans of appreciation at his efforts only added to the pleasure.

And Maker, was she wet for him. He loved her taste. Loved that he was the only one who knew what she tasted like. The only one. Hopefully ever. He knew how to make her hips jerk in surprise, using overstimulation of her clit as a means to that end. Not too much and not too long. 

She was a book he had read a thousand times but would never tire of. Together, they were a work in progress. Blank pages waiting to be filled with a thousand more moments like these. He would happily read to her the pages she no longer knew. 

“Cullen.” His name on her lips brought him back to the present. Her forehead was rested on the top of his thigh, her hand still distractedly stroking his hard length. He suckled a wet lip, pulling teasingly with his teeth as he hummed a “hmm?”. 

“That feels so good...” She moaned. “But I-I want-”

“Tell me, sweetling.” The pad of his thumb pressed against the small bud of her clit, rubbing soft circles over it. “Or better yet, show me what you want.” 

She crawled her way down his body carefully. His hands kneaded the soft globes of her ass as it moved away from him. Reaching down, Cullen grasped the base of his aching erection, teasing the head against her entrance until she pushed her hips back toward him, taking him slowly into her. He raised his hips slightly to bury every inch inside of her tight sheath as she moaned.

One hand slid up to her lower back and he felt a shiver rush ahead of it up her spine. With his cock still buried to the hilt, she sat up, grinding her hips against his. Cullen’s hands moved up her sides, pushing up the tunic. She grabbed the edges and pulled it over her head, throwing it to the side, leaving his hands to roam freely. 

Dejah moaned, tightening around him. She shifted one leg over his, straddling his left leg. She hooked her hand under his knee and drew it up, allowing her to lean against it and brace herself. She started to rock over him, grinding against his leg. Cullen’s hand moved to her shoulder, pulling her down as he thrust up. Her enthusiastic cry urged him on and her hips moved to match his pace. 

Her hand gripped his knee tightly and he could feel her breasts against his thigh. He thrust into her, relishing in her moans and cries, the way her hips jerked and her cunt clenched around him. “Maker’s breath!” He cried out on one such occasion, already feeling himself close to spilling. 

She continued to meet his thrusts, the two perfectly in sync. Her nails dug into his skin but he hardly noticed. “Cullen!” She cried, making his cock twitch. “I’m so close-I’m-” She couldn’t get the words together but he could feel it in her body. 

“Come for me.” He urged, grunting as he continued to thrust up into her. “Dejah, come for me, love. I’m right behind you.” He promised. 

Her hand moved from his knee to cover the hand that gripped her shoulder. Her knuckles turned white and her back straightened mere moments before a cry of pleasure ripped from her lungs. Cullen gasped, back rising off of the bed. He knew the feeling of her climaxing around him, and yet he was never quite prepared for it. 

Intense waves of pleasure shot through her body and he could feel each one intimately. Every spasm around him was white hot and blinding, leaving him no choice but to follow her as he’d promised. The thrusts into his lover devolved into jerks as he came with a cry. 

Dejah ground her hips against his, sending another deep thrum of pleasure through her body and rewarding her with her own name gasped from Cullen’s lips. Both still in the throes of pleasure, he straightened his leg and sat up, wrapping his arms around her. He held her tightly, his face buried against her hair. Eventually, their bodies calmed save for their racing hearts. 

“We have to get dressed.” Dejah whispered softly. She laughed when she felt him shake his head against her. “We do.” She reiterated. “Dorian wants us.” Cullen groaned. He knew that he couldn’t deny Dorian. Not after all he’d done. Besides, he wasn’t known for calling everyone together without reason. “Besides, we have to eat at some point.” 

“I ate a little while ago.” He chuckled. “My favorite, no less.”

Dejah laughed aloud, her head falling back against him. “I love you.” She said breathlessly, still laughing. 

Cullen closed his eyes tightly and squeezed her against him. The shock of emotion at her confession of love reminded him of how very precious the words were. How easily they could be lost, or worse, forgotten. “I love you too.” He whispered. 

Reluctantly, he released her and she crawled off the bed. He scooted off to join her, distractedly getting dressed while sneaking peeks of her doing the same. 

“You dress differently now.” He commented, watching her secure the fastenings up the front of her jacket in the mirror. 

“I didn’t realize there was more than one way to put on pants.” She laughed, finishing the last metal fastening and straightening the garment so that it lay flat against her stomach. 

“No.” He laughed, pulling his mantle over his armor. “You wear different colors. You used to like dark and neutral colors, earth tones. Maybe blue to match your eyes. Now you wear more color.” He commented as he walked up behind her, his hands resting on her hips as he looked at the two of them in the mirror.

“This doesn’t match my eyes, but it does match you.” She said simply, meeting his eyes in their reflection. He smiled as he finally noticed. The rich maroon of the fabric matched the fur of his mantle. Worn gold toggles adorned the fabric and simple drop earrings dangled from her pointed ears, little beads of rich amber catching the noon light. “Maroon and gold. The Lion of Ferelden, yes?” 

His heart constricted for the second time in the last few minutes. “Yes.” He murmured, turning her toward him and lowering his mouth to hers. He kissed her slowly, his thumb brushing over her chin. 

A knock at the door interrupted him. “Yes, yes, we’re coming!” He raised his voice, irritated. Dejah smiled, biting her lip to keep from chuckling at his annoyance. After a moment, when he was sure the messenger was gone, he kissed her again lightly. 

“I loathe having to share you today.” He admitted, bending his elbow to allow her to slip her arm through his. 

"I know. We just found each other again." She sighed. "I'm sor-"

"No." He interrupted quickly. "You've nothing to be sorry for."

She gave him a tight lipped smile and nodded. The journey to the War Room was quiet. They were both comfortable enough with each other that they didn't need words. Or, perhaps each was far too lost in their own thoughts.

When they entered, arm in arm, Dorian smiled brightly. There was a lightness to his friend. An invisible weight that no longer burdened her. In front of the council they didn't kiss when they parted, but he didn't miss Cullen squeeze her hand or the mouthed "I love you" she gave him in return.

His satisfaction at his part of their reunion was quickly squashed when he realized everyone was present and waiting patiently for his reason for gathering them.

"I have no eloquent words for this, so I'll just be out with it." He wasn't speaking to the council. He looked only at Dejah. The others should know, but this was ultimately hers. "I know how to get your memories back."

With the exception of Cullen's sharp inhale, the room was quiet. Dejah say down heavily in the massive high backed chair at the head of the table.

"H-" she faltered, cleared her throat and tried again. "How, exactly?"

"It's dangerous. Especially with your fighting skills essentially non-existent." He said with a wince. It was a hard and unfortunate truth.

"How dangerous?" Asked Cassandra. "Need she even be involved at all?"

She hated this talk. The reminder, no matter how true, that she was only partially the warrior she once was.

"Quite. In fact the endeavor is impossible without her." Dorian paused, looking at Dejah again. "We need to cut a demon, like the one that attacked her, off from the rift it traveled through. The only way to do that is to close the rift before it is killed or returns."

"I was under the impression that killed them." Varric cut in from the corner.

"Not always, but it is a gamble." Cassandra answered. "What do we do with it once we trap it here?"

"I need to harvest some of the poison directly from the source. While it lives still." Dorian said it so easily, like it was a trip to collect elfroot.

"And do what with it, exactly?" Cullen's voice was dark and his lack of patience with this plan was clear.

"Alter it and have Dejah…" He didn't want to say it.

All eyes snapped to Dejah when she finished for him. "Drink it."

"Absolutely not!" Cullen roared, his fist slamming on the table, making pieces tremble and threaten to topple. "That foul, noxious ooze almost _killed_ her! Now you want her to ingest it?" His anger, perhaps misplaced, was focused on Dorian. He was clenching his fists so hard his knuckles were white and his hands were shaking.

"We've discussed this. Time and time again. She is Dejah. She's fine the way she is. She doesn't need-" he continued, anger still directed at Dorian.

"Cullen." She said his name softly as she laid her hand on his wrist. He turned his head to look at her. His eyes were dark with anger. No, fury, she realized. His nostrils flared with each harsh breath. 

"Vhenan." She took his fist and uncurled the fingers gently. Her thumb massaged his palm and she felt some of the tension leave at her loving touch. "You're right. As a person, as Dejah, I don't need to be fixed."

She sighed and squeezed his hand. "But as the bearer of the anchor and the leader of the Inquisition it is undeniable that I am no longer able to perform my functions."

Cullen turned to face her, his hand moving to cup her cheek as if he was suddenly unaware of their audience. "You're magic and skill are growing stronger every day." He argued.

"Not nearly fast enough. Every day I'm not out there more rifts open. Demons slaughter everything in their path. The Templar and Mage war continues unchecked. Corypheus grows stronger both in army and skill. I am making the Inquisition weak."

His head lowered slightly, as did his voice. "I am not ashamed to admit that I am terrified of losing you. Of watching you ride out of those gates without me."

"I won't be. You're coming with us." She said, loud enough for the others, who were trying not to intrude, to hear.

Leliana stepped forward. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Is he, or is he not, the Commander of the Inquisition's forces?" Dejah asked.

"He is." She already knew she wasn't going to win this. She hasn't calculated the emotional response before she spoken up.

"And as such, he answers only to the Inquisitor. To me. Yes?" Dejah continued.

"You are correct." Leliana ceded.

"This isn't a sentimental decision." Dejah assured her. She released Cullen's hand and turned to face the room again.

"Dorian, Cass, Bull and I worked hard, trained hard to become the unstoppable unit we… were." She said it sadly, looking at her friends. "But, I don't remember any of that any more. If they have to worry about me, they'll get hurt. Varric can take my position as the second ranged attacker."

"I'll stay back, help when I can without getting in the way and step up to close the rift when the time comes. Until that time, Cullen will protect me. Everyone can do their job." The room was once again quiet. 

Finally, Bull spoke up. "Seems like a solid plan to me."

Varric nodded and sat forward in his chair. "Happy to help."

All eyes turned to Cullen. He only had eyes for Dejah, like she was the only one in the room. He was clearly torn. Do his duty as a Commander, or his duty as a lover. "Fine." He said it softly, resigned.

She gave him a tight lipped smile, if only to acknowledge how difficult this was for him. They weren't alone though and she had a job to do.

"Dorian?" She asked, leaning over the map. "Where are we heading?"

"There is an Inquisition camp in Emprise du Lion that is near a rift. They have been keeping an eye on it and dispatching demons so the area isn't overrun." He laid his finger on the map. "This time of year it's safer to head west directly out of the mountains than to travel along them to the Hinterlands or Crestwood."

Although she knew she'd been before, Dejah couldn't remember anything about Emprise du Lion. "You'll tell me about the area on the way?"

"Of cour-" Dorian was cut off by Bull's great hand clapping his back.

"Tell you?! We're gonna show you the corpse of the fucking dragon we killed!" He promised with a boyish grin on his lips and wicked glint in his eye.

Dejah's eyes widened. "I'm sorry, we killed a dragon?" She asked incredulously. 

Cassandra looked amused. Her lips curved almost imperceptibly into a smile. "Several, in fact."

"Six!" Bull supplied immediately. "And you dealt the death blow on three of them! Fuck, I can't wait for you to remember that. You're the only one who likes to drink and talk about it." He glared at Dorian who rolled his eyes ever so slightly.

All of the levity, the way they interacted with her made her feel more like she belonged. No one walked on eggshells or apologized to her for bringing up something she didn't remember.

"That sounds delightful." She laughed. "I'm looking forward to it. When do we leave?"

"When the Inquisitor says we do." Cassandra advised. "We trust her completely to lead us."

"Tomorrow then. Let's not wait any longer than we have to. Get everything packed tonight so we can leave at first light." The order was all they needed. With no further discussion the filled out to take care of the necessary preparations.

Cullen's hand captured her arm. "Sweetling, I'm sorry. I was selfish and over protective and of course you want your life and memories back…"

Her finger gently rested over his lips to silence him. When she pulled away, the tip of her index finger traced his scar. With no one else left in the War Room, she didn't have to worry about being watched. "I'm scared too." She said softly.

"Of course you are. You never show it so I forget that about you sometimes." He admitted.

"I'm really scared, Cullen." She reiterated, wrapping her arms around his waist and laying her cheek against his breastplate. "I've never left Skyhold before. I have no idea what to expect out there."

"Maker's breath. I hadn't even considered that." Guilt rode him hard. He held her close, kissed the top of her head. "You can expect us to be with you, from the first step out of the gates to the last step on the trail home."

He regretted his fatalistic views expressed earlier. "It's beautiful out there. Emprise du Lion is one of your favorite places, even though you loathe being cold. There are ruins, which you and Dorian could spend days exploring. And at night the stars are so brilliant they look like they could come sparkling down on you like snow at any moment."

She didn't immediately respond. He slid his hand through her hair and tugged gently so that her face was tilted up to him. "We-I won't let anything happen to you." He promised. "Please, don't let my fears taint your view of the world or your place in it. Someday, you'll belong to me alone. For now, I have to curb my selfishness and do what I can to help you defeat Corypheus."

A smile grew on her lips. "How could I have ever doubted that what I feel for you is anything but love?"

He smiled in return as his thumb feathered over her cheek. "You harbored no doubts about me that I did not have for myself when I fell in love with you."

Her smile faded slightly and his thumb stilled, brows furrowing. "What is it?"

"I just wonder what will happen if I get my memories back. Will I remember this? Lailani? Will I be different again?" Her eyes wandered away from his, as if she was ashamed to voice the fears.

"If you are, we will deal with that when the time comes.” He murmured, kissing her forehead. He couldn’t stop there though. Another at her temple beside her eye. Then the bridge of her nose. When he pulled away enough to see her face, she was smiling slightly. A smile ticked up the corner of his own mouth as he kissed her cheek, the side of her jaw. His fingers moved to the back of her neck, massaging gently. 

“Cullen?” She asked softly. 

“Mm, I know. I’m distracting you.” He murmured against her skin, moving his kisses closer to her lips. "Just a few more moments."

She laughed softly, moving into his kisses and closing her eyes. “That’s not it. I was wondering; have we ever made love in here?” She was sure he would be able to feel the blush on her cheeks against his lips. 

He chuckled, his breath warm against her skin. When he spoke, he was close enough that she could feel the roughness of his jaw against her. “We have not. Would you like to?” His voice was low and rumbled in a way that made her heart beat faster. 

“I think I would.” She smiled, turning her head to kiss him. He happily returned it, getting lost in her. She found it was hard to control herself. She wanted more. Deeper kiss. More passion. Hands on skin. She could tell he was having a hard time holding back as well. 

In the end, the decision to pull away was made for them. The heavy door swung open with a creak and Dejah sucked in a breath, trying to step back. Cullen’s arm snaked around her, hooking her waist so that she could turn, but not move away. 

“Oh my. I’m so very sorry. I can come back.” Josephine said quickly, a blush on her dark cheeks. 

“No, it’s quite alright. We were just...finishing up.” Dejah said quickly, clearing her throat and hoping her own blush wasn’t too apparent. “What do you need?” 

Josie looked a little skeptical but stepped forward to stand on the opposite side of the table. “I was wondering what your plan was with little Lailani? Surely you aren’t going to take her with you?” 

Glad to have something to distract her from the smouldering heat in the pit of her stomach, Dejah nodded. “She’s not quite ready for the battlefield yet.” _Much like myself._ “I was going to see if Blackwall could care for her.” 

“If you don’t mind, I would very much like to watch her for you until you get back.” Ever the diplomat, her words were very carefully chosen. “I get quite lonely in that office by myself when everyone is gone and she’s such a very good girl.” 

“It’s our first time apart.” Dejah warned. “But I think she would love being with you. Thank you, Josie.” Lailani had learned very quickly that the Antivan had a soft spot for dogs. She had a little bed tucked in a corner of her office and a small jar of treats hidden in her desk for Lailani’s visits. 

Jospehine smiled happily, eyes shining and nodded. “I shall make the arrangements then. Please, don’t let me keep you from your...well, don’t let me keep you.” 

Cullen coughed into the back of his hand, using it to hide his grin. 

“That was almost extremely embarrassing.” She said with a relieved sigh.

“Maybe you won’t remember that part.” He said offhandedly. 

Dejah’s head whipped around, mouth agape at his comment. Had her eyes not shone her amusement, he would have been reticent. “Well, I certainly don’t remember you being such an exhibitionist.” 

His laugh echoed in the room as his arm swept around her, pulling her against him once more. “I never was.” He said gravely. “Until one night a beautiful elf lay naked across my desk. The only thing more exhilarating in my life than making her shout my name in my office, was making her confess her love to me, over and over, open to the night air and within earshot of the patrols.”

Her eyes widened and her nostrils flared slightly. The blue branches that twisted up her cheekbones stood out in sharp relief against her blush. “I am but a man, Dejah. And deep down, there are few things a man loves more than the world knowing what pleasure he can bring his beautiful mate. And you, Sweetling, do not hold back your pleasure.” He chuckled as the blush spread down her neck and disappeared beneath her clothes. 

“I did that?” She asked softly. “Where everyone would know?”

“To be fair, there are very few places in Skyhold where someone isn’t listening at any given moment. Besides, I think everyone knew we were in love before we did. I, specifically, was quite stubborn about the whole thing.” He admitted.

"I would very much like to hear all about that night." She said softly, eagerly.

"I would very much like to _show_ you that night." He countered. "But for now we have work to do."

She nodded reluctantly and raised herself into tiptoes to kiss him. "I love you, Cullen." She whispered against his lips.

His eyes shone his relief, as if he still found it hard to believe she was saying those cherished words again. "And I you. No matter what."

His fingers brushed her cheek before he stepped back and offered his arm again. Very few people were given the unfortunate chance of seeing if their lover truly meant their declaration of unconditional love, through good times and bad. 

Dejah found it distressing that their love would likely be challenged several more times before everything was said and done. There was doubt about the outcome of the Inquisition's efforts, if they would all survive or if Corypheus would prevail. 

But there was no doubt with Cullen. Her safe harbor in the storm, always waiting patiently. Someday she would show him how much that meant. How much she appreciated him waiting for her to fall for him twice. She would make it all worth his wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your support and patience. I love, love, love hearing from you, so please let me know what you think!


	7. Back in the Field

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dejah, Cullen and her companions travel to Emprise du Lion to attempt Dorian's plan. The only way to get back her memories and give the Inquisition a solid chance of defeating Corypheus.

Being outside of Skyhold for the first time in her memory was a hard experience to put into words. Several times she’d been asked by her friends what she thought of this or that. She would smile and comment on the beauty of it, or how strange it was. But mostly, that was for show. There was so much to take in, she found that she didn’t have much of an opinion on any one thing. 

Seeing the vastness of the Frostbacks from one of Skyhold’s towers turned out to be far different from actually venturing out into it. An odd fear settled in her stomach when Skyhold vanished from their view. She didn’t let it show though. She knew that everyone would already be worried about her. Besides, it was a silly, irrational fear. She was surrounded by her loved ones. All of them formidable warriors, accomplished in their individual war crafts. 

As the rocky and slanted terrain of the mountains leveled out and the peaks grew further away, she found herself feeling less and less tethered. Skyhold. The only place she’d known. How many times had _everyone_ told her she was safe there. “No need to worry, Inquisitor. Nothing will happen to you here.”

No one ever mentioned what would happen outside of Skyhold. Or rather, what had happened. She’d almost died. She remembered the pain upon waking. The fear of not knowing anything, even her own name. That’s what had happened to her the last time she left Skyhold. There was plenty of talk about what was happening while she recovered. Wars. Famine. Death. Disease. All of the worst things in history happening in her time in new and terrible ways.

And she was the one everyone was counting on to stop it. Not necessarily all of it. But if she didn’t stop Corypheus and seal the Breach, the massive efforts of others around Thedas to stop those things would be for not. 

She was sure that her friends noticed her reserved mood. They would engage her in conversation but knew better than to push if she wasn’t reciprocating. She could see the worry they had for her, especially Cullen, but that made her try all the harder to hide her apprehension. 

At the end of the day, when the sun was lowering as fast as the temperature, they made camp next to a low cliff which shielded them from the wind. She found it hard not to retreat more into herself during what should have been a simple process. She didn’t know how to make the damn tent stand up the way it should. The supports were crooked and the canvas kept twisting. Cullen tried to tease while showing her how to erect their shelter. She smiled and stepped back, letting him take care of it. 

Dejah thought she could at least help start the fire. That was a skill she had remastered-summoning flames. She wasn’t even needed for that though. Cassandra had a good fire going in short order with no mystical assistance at all. 

“Hey Boss!” Bull called from across the camp, waving an arm. “We need more wood. Wanna help?” 

A genuine smile appeared on her lips. _That_ she could do!

She kissed Cullen goodbye and trotted over to Bull, falling into step beside him. They walked toward the sparse line of trees and she found it wasn’t hard to keep up with him. He must have been used to having to slow down for people shorter than he was. 

“You wanna talk about it?” He asked, looking down at her out of the side of his good eye.

She almost denied that there was anything to talk about, but there was a sense of relief at his question. “I don’t know what to say.” She said after a few moments. 

“How are you handling it, being out here?” He asked. She picked up a large piece of deadwood and he held out his arms for her to pile it on. 

“It’s just all ...overwhelming.” She said quietly, almost ashamed. “There’s just so much. It just keeps going. The more I see, the bigger I realize the world is. The bigger the world is, the more people there are in it. The more people that are counting on me.” 

“It’s a lot of responsibility, being the Inquisitor.” He acknowledged, thrusting his chin in the direction of a large log. She absently picked it up, adding it to the growing pile he carried. 

“Back at Skyhold, I felt like I was getting a hold on things again. I knew my way around, I was learning things. That all feels so small now. Like I didn’t accomplish anything.” 

Bull ‘hmmph’ed and stared at her for a moment. “Do you want what will make you feel better, or the truth?” 

“Are you saying they’re mutually exclusive?” She stopped walking to look up at him. 

He dropped the wood and brushed his hands together to clean them. “No, but sometimes parts of the truth are kept out for the sake of the ‘feel better’ part. Trouble is, seems like you’re smart enough to see that, even if you don’t realize it.” 

“So, what is it everyone _isn’t_ saying to me?” He could see in her stance and her eyes that she was determined to see this through. No fight or flight. Stand tall and take whatever hits came. 

“That you suck.” He said bluntly, laying his massive hand on her shoulder. “You can’t fight, your magic is apprentice level-at best and you have no idea how to navigate any sort of political situations. As the leader of the most formidable force in Ferelden at the moment, you are woefully unequipped. No one wants to say it, understandably, but I think you need to hear it.” 

She nodded slowly and looked down. His finger bumped the underside of her chin so that she looked up at him. He smiled and brushed away a tear that was making its way down her cheek. “Hey, I’m not saying this to hurt you, or because I don’t like you. I owe you. I fucking _owe_ you. Everything. I’m telling you this because I want you to know it isn’t all in your head. I know that you’re struggling. Thing is, you’re doing it alone.”

“You may not remember, but there was a time a couple years ago, that you were pulled out of the ruins of Conclave with a glowing hand and no memory of recent events. Sure, you knew magic a little better, but other than that you didn’t know much more than you do now. You were trained to fight, but had never done so in any meaningful way. You knew Dalish politics fairly well, but that doesn’t necessarily translate to the rest of the world.” 

“In a very short time, you became one of the most feared entities in the country, then the world. You lead the fucking Inquisition. Thousands rally at your cry. Rulers beg for your attention and tremble at your displeasure. You leave your mark everywhere you go and the places and people are better for it. You’re pretty amazing, but do you think you did that all on your own?” 

“You’re a brilliant woman, but you can’t know and do everything. The thing is, that's something you knew from the start. You leaned on people. Let them teach you. When you couldn't do, you let them do. Your greatest talent was never doing it by yourself. It was bringing out the best in those around you." His hand slipped from her shoulder.

"That's still you. We all want to do better for you. Everyone in that camp is willing to lay down their life for you. That loyalty doesn't come easy and you can't buy it. You can trust me on that. But, you gotta let us in, Boss. You seem to think you have to do this on your own but that's never been the case." He bent to start picking up the discarded wood.

"Ease up on yourself. Quit looking at your progress as what you've accomplished and start going back to what we've accomplished. You'll be stronger for it, and so will we."

"You're a good man, Bull. Thank you." Tears still clung to the corners of her eyes. 

He chuckled, shoulders shaking. "Not really, just another one of your success stories."

She drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Do I look like I've been crying?"

"L'il bit." He laughed, a deep rumble. "We'll just keep collecting wood until you don't."

\-----

Dejah woke to the slight shuffling of Cullen returning from his watch. He was obviously putting in an effort to be quiet, but her unease at being away from Skyhold had made her sleep lightly.

He slid beneath the furs gingerly and that's when she made her move. He was turned on his side toward her, adjusting the furs over her shoulders where'd he'd disturbed them. She let out a soft hum and scooted quickly back against him.

His chuckle was low, but she felt it against her back. She felt his breath tickle her ear a moment before he whispered into it.

"You should be sleeping."

"I'm cold. Couldn't sleep." She whispered in return, pushing her ass back into the cradle of his hips. 

"I'll keep you warm." He promised, but not with the lustful tone she's been hoping for. His arm wrapped around her, his body moulding against hers protectively.

"Cullen. Are you tired?" 

"Nothing a nap won't fix." He murmured.

"I wasn't talking about cuddling." She said, pressing back against him again.

"I see." She felt his lips on her shoulder. "We aren't exactly alone, you know." His fingers splayed wide over her stomach and the long scars there.

"I can be quiet." Dejah promised.

"Not in my experience." He retorted with a barely held back laugh. His hand slid to her hip, intending to tease the line of her smalls. “Maker’s breath. Are you-”

“As the day I was born.” She murmured. Her hand covered his where it had stilled on her hip. “I was thinking about you before I fell asleep.” She continued, moving their hands along the front of her hips, down between her thighs. 

He didn’t need any more direction. As Cullen’s fingers slid between her slick lips, she opened her legs for him, turning slightly so that she could hook her leg over his. He pinched her clit between two fingers, rolling it slowly and letting her slickness coat his fingers. 

“And what, pray tell, were you thinking about to get you into such a state?” He whispered into her ear. His breath tickled the fine hairs, making her shiver. She bit her lip to hold back a moan. She reached behind her, the flat of her palm gliding down his stomach. Her slim fingers pressed into his skin to slide under his pants. 

Her hand wrapped around his hardening cock and she felt him twitch in response. “I was thinking about how lucky I am to be able to learn you all over again.” His fingers expertly teased her clit, drawing a low moan from her lips, not yet loud enough to alert the others in camp. “And, how lucky I am that you know me so well.” 

"I'm sure there is plenty left to learn and I am certainly up for the challenge." He kissed along the edge of her ear. "Teasing tonight or right to it?"

"Cullen, the more you tease, the more likely I am to wake up the whole camp." She breathed out shakily.

"That doesn't exactly answer my question." He whispered. She couldn't see it, but he was smiling.

"Maker's aching ass, please Cullen, take me." She hissed, squeezing his hard length.

"Invoking the Maker? That's new for you. And so colorfully at that." He assured his pants down further over his hips.

"Too much time around the Qunari and the Dwarf." She explained, letting his hand on her hip guide her, angling them back and making her spine curve.

She felt the silky smooth head of his cock probe for her entrance. He pushed into her slowly, allowing her to adjust to the feeling of fullness that always drew some noise out of her. She bit her lips between her teeth, making the moan come out as a whimper. 

His lips teased her ear and neck as his hand roamed her side with a light touch that made her shiver. The arm that was underneath her bent, allowing him to cup her breast in his hand. Her hand moved to his hip, digging into his skin to urge him deeper. 

Cullen’s hand slid over her stomach, down the crest of her pelvis and between her thighs. The position didn’t allow him to sink as deep as Dejah liked, but it made up for it in angle. He hit that spot just inside of her where his expertly curled fingers usually teased to make her ready for him. 

His long strokes, the feel of his lips and steadily increased breathing against her skin made it so difficult to stay quiet. She loved seeing the intensity in his eyes when she cried out at something he did to her. The ever so slight curl of his lips to show his pride. 

With his mouth so close to her ear, she could hear that he was struggling too. Soft grunts and hard releases of held breath. The slow pace became too difficult for him. His body still ached from their long separation. As noble as he’d tried to be, it was torture to suddenly lose the intimacy that they shared. He was, after all, still just a man. Cut off from the woman he loved so desperately. 

He started to move faster, with more purpose, his fingers circling her clit. He rolled her nipple between his fingers, pinching ever so slightly. The overwhelming stimulation was more than she could handle and a slow moan left her lips. He chuckled and bit her lobe, tugging playfully. His hand disappeared from between her legs and covered her mouth. She could sense his hesitancy at the move, but she covered his hand with her own as another moan escaped her, muffled now. 

She could feel her own slick from his fingers wet her cheek and could smell their mingled scent. It was almost something she remembered. His other hand continued rolling her breast, grasping and massaging. Her own free hand resumed the work he’d abandoned. He knew the moment she touched herself, feeling her already tight cunt clench around him. 

She closed her eyes when he started to whisper into her ear. His voice was strained, low and rumbling. “How will you hold back? Can you hold back? I know you’re close. I know you better than you know yourself. You’re going to come for me. Soon. What if I just….” 

His thrusts turned shallow, his swollen head rubbing back and forth over the sensitive spot. Another muffled sound escaped her, this time a cry. Her back arched suddenly. “Mmmm, yes. Just like that.” He fairly purred in her ear. A long grunt escaped him as he picked up his pace. 

Almost without warning, her release came upon her. Sudden and hard, making her cry out, his name barely decipherable behind his hand. When he felt her clench around him, spasming over and over, he drove deep again. The leg thrown over his own tightened and he could feel her toes curling against his calf. 

“Dejah.” He breathed out her name as he buried himself inside of her, spilling with his own release. The hand covering his over her mouth left so he released her. Soft moans and whimpers still spilled from her at the last of his thrusts before he finally stilled. 

They laid like that for a while, letting their breathing slow together. Cullen nuzzled her neck gently until she pulled away. Turning to face him, she hooked her leg over his hip and his hand slid down her side, squeezing her soft ass on his way up her thigh and under her knee. He bent his head to kiss her. 

He’d intended it to be a small kiss, but he found he didn’t want to part. It was long and languid, his lips slanting against hers. Maker, he had missed her. Even having her back, that fear still made his chest tighten. Especially with their mission tomorrow. However, the fact that he would be with her this time did much to assuage his fears. 

He pulled away reluctantly, nuzzling her nose before resting her forehead against his. She let out a soft hum of contentment, closing her eyes. 

“You are absolutely insatiable.” She whispered. 

“Me?” He chuckled. “You started it.” 

“Mmhmm, but you definitely finished it.” She said, laughing softly. He watched her smile fade slightly. “Is it always like this or is it just this intense because it’s new again? Or because we’re both scared of how tomorrow may turn out?” 

He pulled back slowly, brushing the back of his fingers down her cheek. “It is new again, true. But in my experience, what I feel for you certainly never fades. I does grow though. It’s also true that I’m...apprehensive about tomorrow. But it’s going to be fine. I trust everyone in this camp and I trust you. You are so strong, even when you were at your weakest you fought death and won.” 

She nodded and sighed softly. She snuggled closer to him, resting her cheek against his chest, her head tucked under his chin. “I believe you.” She whispered. His hand smoothed down her hair and he wrapped his arms around her tightly. 

“Good.” He murmured. “Get some sleep. I’ve kept you up long enough.” 

“I should sleep quite well after that. You are unnervingly good at that. Should I be jealous?” She asked. 

“I’ve been with a few women, but none of them like you. You’ve taught me a lot about what you like so I can’t take all the credit.” He chuckled. “And you’re the only one I’ve loved.” 

“I love you too.” She whispered. 

_____

They reached the ridge overlooking the rift in the late morning. They spent over an hour observing the landscape and demons. All of the planning and strategy in the world wouldn’t reassure Cullen, but it couldn’t be held off. Leaving all but their weapons, the Inquisitor’s company descended and skirted the rift. The forest on the far side would allow them to get far closer without being seen. 

If all went well, Cullen’s skills wouldn’t even be tested. Dejah was only to join the fight if something went desperately wrong. She would stay close enough to close the rift at Dorian’s signal but no further. The two waited inside the edge of the forest while the others moved closer. 

Cullen took his eyes off the disappearing party and turned to look at Dejah. She was looking down at the mark on her palm with a frown. She was rubbing it with her thumb, flexing her fingers. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, taking her hand and massaging with his thumbs, holding her hand gently. 

“It...tingles. More than normal.” She watched his hands, the way his tendons flexed. 

“Does it hurt?” He followed up. 

“No. Well, not really. It’s just weird.” She looked around him toward the rolling green light that filtered through the trees. “We need to get closer.” She said, finally looking up at him. 

“Absolutely not. We’re close enough. Dorian left us here for a reason.” He argued, gripping her hand tightly. 

“We aren’t close enough. We have to be there if they need us. We won’t be able to tell if they need us from here.” She argued. “You can’t talk me down from this.” 

“Fine.” He allowed. Releasing her hand, he unsheathed his sword. As he turned, a flash of blue joined the green. “They’ve already started the fight.” Cullen commented. 

They walked through the trees slowly. The sounds of battle grew louder and Dejah wouldn’t have hesitated to admit it had her heart racing. She didn’t know if it was because she was scared or because deep down she remembered those sounds and the exhilaration of the fight. 

Dejah finally got a clear sight of the battle. Cassandra and Bull were holding their own against a small horde of demons. They both had very different fighting styles yet they complimented each other and worked together incredibly well. Dorian and Varric were on opposite sides of the fight, hurling spells and bolts at the strongest demons. 

Despite the chaos, the four were managing well. A long-limbed demon turned away from Cassandra and Bull, using their preoccupation with its brethren to its advantage. It disappeared into a puddle of green, molten rock. Behind Dorian, the ground began to melt and a green light illuminated the trees behind him. The mage couldn’t possibly have seen it, especially with all of his attention centered at the demons near the rift. 

Dejah’s hand flashed to Cullen’s arm in a bid to get his attention and point out the situation. She couldn’t take her eyes off of the green, rolling ground. Cullen didn’t respond fast enough to stop her from jumping into action. She sprang forward, innately able to navigate the dense terrain of limbs and leaf debris. She fully heard Cullen her name behind her, but she wouldn’t stop. Dorian wouldn’t be able to defend himself. 

The terror demon popped out of the ground like a geyser. She raised her hand to attack before it could when she saw the green waves of heat pop up in front of her, the ground roiling. She had a moment to decide. She wouldn’t have time to defend herself, but she had an advantage that Dorian didn’t. She knew what was coming and she could hear Cullen running after her. He would be there. She knew he would be there. 

The magic that had gathered in her fingertips exploded in the air in front of her, shockwaves blowing her hair back as the missile of light sped toward the demon behind Dorian. She saw it knocked away just as another of the same shot from the ground in front of her. It grabbed her outstretched arm and spun her around and off her feet. 

As she rolled, she gathered energy at her fingertips. She reached for any part of the demon, grabbing blindly and releasing fire. A sharp screech attacked her ears. Not a scream of pain, but one of fury. She’d wounded it, but not mortally. 

Before she could gather more magic, the demon was swept off of her in a blur of red. Cullen rolled to his feet, the tip of his sword arcing from the ground beside him. In a flash of light, the demon exploded. It was unlike anything she’d ever see. The force of it staggered Cullen, but he stayed upright. 

He reached down and hauled her up. “You alright?” He asked quickly, eyes darting around and searching for other threats. 

“Yes!” She said quickly, holding the softly throbbing energy in her fingertips. 

“Dejah!” Dorian’s voice caught both of their attention. The mage held a hunched despair demon, screeching and clawing to reach him against a curved field of shimmering light. “Close it!” 

The demon turned to escape, but Bull rammed into it, hitting the field of magic hard to hold it without killing it. 

Cullen led her closer and then turned to defend her back as she reached out toward the shifting rift. Just as she’d been promised, it didn’t matter that she didn’t know what she needed to do. The mark and the rift reacted violently. The tingling intensified and ran down her arm. It was followed by complete numbness. Like her body was disappearing but didn’t know it yet. 

The sound that grew in pitch hurt her ears, made her brows furrow as it throbbed in her skull. Then, it just stopped. The noise, the tingling, the throbbing. The rift imploded, leaving the world oddly quiet. But, only for a moment. 

“Hold it!” Cassandra snarled. 

“I am!” Bull growled out. “Hurry up, Vint!” 

Bull was laying across the writhing demon, holding its body and one arm against the ground. Cassandra had wrapped herself around the other harm, holding it out for Dorian to harvest the black that coated it’s unnervingly long fingers. Suddenly, Dorian jumped back, shouting Varric’s name. Immediately a bolt flew from Bianca, embedding in the void of the demon’s mouth. It, too, exploded and expelled a blast of energy outward. 

Dorian immediately went to work, pulling a flask from his bag. It was uncorked and...Maker-he pushed the end of the finger into the neck. Corking it, he shook the vial to mix the liquid contents with the black goo that coated the finger. He was striding toward Dejah as he did this and pushed it into her hand. 

“Quickly, before the effects fade!” Dorian had explained that unless the poison was inside a host, it would die quickly. She was glad for it. No time to consider how incredibly disgusting it was. She pulled the topper and drank it without question. 

It was the consistency of rotten milk and tasted considerably worse. She slapped a hand over her mouth to keep from instinctively throwing it back up. Another bottle was pushed into her hands by Bull. She downed that without hesitation as well. The hard liquor burned her throat and made her tongue tingle, but it dulled the terrible taste. 

She hunched over, hands on her knees and breathing hard. “That was by far the worst thing I have ever tasted. What happens now? How long should it take?”

Dorian was at a loss. “I’m afraid I don’t know.” He said solemnly. “Do you feel anything?” 

“Sick to my stomach.” She answered, standing back up. “Let’s head out of here. Back to camp. We’ll be safer there while we wait.” 

Cullen’s brows were furrowed and he laid a hand on her lower back. No one had expected to have to wait. To wait without even knowing what would happen. If anything would happen. It was the worst form of torture. A subject Cullen knew much about. He wasn’t prepared to think about what might happen. 

Would she simply drop, lifeless, to the ground? Would it hurt her? Would she remember him still? 

Dejah could feel everyone’s eyes on her as they rode back to the Inquisition camp. They would look away when she glanced at them. Everyone except Cullen. He rode beside her, close enough that their stirrups occasionally clacked together. He kept his eyes on the trail in front of them, brows furrowed slightly. 

“Hey.” She said softly, getting his attention. “Are you okay?” 

“Am _I_ okay? Are _you _okay?” He countered.__

__“My stomach is pretty unsettled, but that could be more about the thought of what I ingested.” She said, face twisting with a sour look._ _

__“Why don’t you ride with me for a little while? That way you can rest.” He offered, pulling back on the reigns of his horse to slow him. She smiled and nodded. Having him so close would help with the anxiety of waiting. It was a little difficult, but they managed to transfer her to the saddle in front of Cullen. He wrapped his arms around her to grab the reins and they continued on._ _

__“Cullen...stop, please.” She said softly after nearly an hour of silent riding._ _

__“Are you okay?” He asked quickly, halting the horse._ _

__“No, I’m going to-” She was cut off by a dry heave. Cullen dismounted and turned to help her just in time to catch her from falling to the ground. She was completely out, dead weight in his arms. A familiar fear tightened his chest._ _

__He laid her on the ground. Dorian was already there, kneeling on her other side. Her chest jerked and Dorian quickly rolled her onto her side in case her stomach emptied itself. The two men looked at each other, the same fear reflecting in their eyes. Cullen knew better this time than to ask any useless questions. Dorian didn’t know any more than he did._ _

__“Camp less than an hour away. We have to get her there.” Dorian said, turning to call over his shoulder for Bull._ _

__Cullen remounted and with Bull’s assistance, got Dejah back in front of him. Urging his horse a little faster, he held her close against his chest. He could feel his heart banging against his ribs, ready to burst out of his chest. He pressed his cheek against the side of her temple._ _

__“It’s going to be fine.” He didn’t know if the words were for himself or for her. “You’ll get through this. I love you. You’ll get through this. We both will.” All he could do was speak words of comfort while he held her close and prayed to see the Inquisition’s banners on the horizon._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking with me this long! I can't believe how this story has developed. It's far more expansive than I had planned but I'm loving every word of it and I hope you are too!


	8. While She Sleeps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dejah's loved ones find comfort in speaking with her, even when she can't respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to try something a little different with this chapter. The perspective of audio only. The italics to make it seem more "soft" and dream-like. Could be terrible. Hope not.

The chair scrapes along the floor gently, the wood creaking when weight is settled on it.

_ About time you woke up, don't you think? _ The rich voice asks.  _ You slept quite enough on the way back to Skyhold. _ There is silence then a deep sigh.  _ Have it your way. I have an incredible number of books at my disposal and am just stubborn enough to wait you out, Darling. _

The spine of a book creaks, old and threatening to crack. The chair complains again as the occupant changes positions. Occasionally, the soft swish of a page turning or a long deep inhale.

\-----

_ I am re-reading one of my favorite books. _ The voice says, excited. Enthusiasm makes the rounding accent deeper, even in the feminine voice.  _ I have just gotten to my favorite part, where she realizes she is in love with him. Would you like to hear? _ A throat clears.

_ As he gazed into my eyes, it struck me all at once. I loved this man. Truly and deeply like I had never loved before. _ The lilting accent says, fully invested in the portrayal of the emotional moment. The voice speaks as if the thoughts belong to it.  _ My heart races at the very sight of him and my skin tingles at his touch. His voice turns my blood to liquid fire. _

_ Like he always does, he took my breath away when he kissed me. As his hand traveled to my bosom ... _ There is a pause.  _ I think perhaps I shall skip a few pages. _ The voice says, suddenly abashed. Pages flick shortly under a thumb and settle. A throat clears, not in preparation this time. 

_ Ah, yes. This is a good part as well. After a night of passion, the two lovers must separate for a time. It is incredibly heartbreaking. _ The chair creaks and the voice is closer when it begins again. 

_ I abhorred the sunrise that morning. Light was coming to take my love from me and I knew not for how long…. _

\-----   
  


_ I’ve got- _ The voice cuts off in hesitation.  _ I’ve got some letters I’d like to read you. I pray you’ll like them and that you won’t be upset with me. I-well it’s all in the letters. I’ll just begin.  _

_ Cullen,  _

_ So interesting to hear from you directly. My sister writes of you often but never mentioned you might have a desire to correspond. _

_ I would be happy to keep our letters a secret provided you do not ask me any questions which might require I break Dejah’s trust or allow her to be hurt in any physical or emotional way. I think it’s rather endearing that you would like to surprise her by already being friends when we eventually meet. It’s very telling of the sincerity of a man’s love that he would wish to know her family better. _

_ I don't know exactly how much she's told you so I'll start at the beginning in my next letter and we can see how much she made up about me. _

_ Camen _

\-----

No creak of the door or footsteps preceded the voice that now speaks closely and quietly.  _ They don’t know if you can hear them, but talking to you makes them feel better. _ There’s a quiet pause.  _ It makes me feel better too. _

There's silence for a long while before the door creaks and heavy footsteps grow closer. 

_ Hey, Kid. Don’t want to intrude. You need more time? _ The casual tone holds a suggestion of fondness.

_ I’ve said what I needed to say. Thank you, Varric. _

_ Sure thing. Close the door on your way out, would ya? _

There are only heavy footsteps after that which move to where the chair had last creaked. The wood settles heavily once again. 

_ Look, Stars. Everyone is imploring you to wake up. Telling you how much they need you and all that horseshit. _ The deep voice rumbles.  _ Except maybe the Kid. Look, if he’s being weird just tell him to leave.  _

_ I’m going to make you wake up by exposing you to some of the most vile, disturbing literature ever to be published throughout Ferelden and several other countries. _

A shuffle of papers and they stand, clothes rustling. The chair clicks softly on the floor, closer than before. Weight settles on the wood again and there's a resigned sigh and hard swallow.  _ Now, this is from my original manuscript. _

_ As he gazed into my eyes, it struck me all at once. I loved this man. Truly and deeply like I had never loved before. This is actually what the inside of a 12 year old girls diary looks like. _ The sentence ends with a snort. 

_ My heart races at the very sight of him and my skin tingles at his touch. His voice turns my blood to liquid fire. _ A huff of breath.  _ Maker’s aching balls. Would you listen to this drivel? _ An aged piece of paper crackles and shuffles and the voice continues.  _ Like he always does, he took my breath away when he kissed me. As his hand traveled to my bosom... _

The voice chuckles, heavily amused.  _ Well, you and Curly can figure that out when you wake up. _

The voice continues after several pages shuffle.  _ I abhorred the sunrise that morning. Light was coming to take my love from me and I knew not for how long….This is the most disgustingly poetic thing I’ve ever written. _

\-----

The most familiar voice speaks again. It’s tired, but determined.

_ Cullen,  _

_ Alright, the beginning. I was born first, strong and healthy as my mother tells it. Dejah was born fairly shortly after, but she was very small and hardly cried. She stayed like that most of our childhood. Our father is not a completely unloving man, but his clan clearly came before his kids. He’d hoped one of us would be First, but I think it was clear to both of us that I was the one he was hedging his bets on.  _

_ Dejah came into her magic fairly young, around six or so if I remember correctly. I’m not sure how my father felt about this but he was distant for a few months after. Then, all of a sudden, her whole purpose in the clan changed. Now, no matter her size, she was a fighter. She could defend her clan.  _

_ I don’t know what my father said to her, but she took it very, very seriously. That’s probably how she ended up in this whole mess. Father sent her to scope out a meeting and now she’s out to save the world.  _

_ As for your concern, I wouldn’t worry overly. I’m not at all surprised that she hasn’t opened up to you completely about her childhood. She never really knew where she stood with our father and I’m not sure she does now. That must be a tough thing to discuss. Also, I can promise she doesn’t want to burden, her words, you with her issues. _

_ She knows that he ‘tolerates’ her involvement with the Inquisition and that’s enough for now. There may come a day when he tells her to come home and when that day comes, I hope you’ll be there to support her decision to stay with the Inquisition and do what's right. This is what she was born to do.  _

_ I hadn’t planned on this letter being so dark. I suppose I’ve never had to sum up our childhood and look at it this way. Please, don’t think it was bad though. Our mother insisted we still have a childhood and still, to this day, tempers our father’s ambitions. _

_ Something more light-hearted next time?  _

_ Respectfully,  _

_ Camen _

\-----

The chair groans like it’s going to give out. 

_ Hey, Boss. _ The voice is quite deep and rumbles slightly at the lower volume.  _ Dorian is losing his damn mind. I’d’ve pegged Cullen as the one to break down first. _ The voice is concerned. There are pauses that show attention to the next words. 

_ He wouldn’t want me to tell you this, but I know you can keep a secret. He cried last night. A lot. He’s opened up to you about a lot of deep stuff in his life. Things he hasn’t even opened up to me about yet. _

A deep huff of unamusement and a span of silence.  _ It will destroy him if something happens to you. He’s starting to open up to me a little. I think he realizes I’m in it for the long haul but if something happens to you, I can guarantee that he will never let anyone else in for the rest of his life. Including me. _

_ The boys aren’t the only ones. Cass is more sullen than usual. She hardly talks to anyone unless she has to. Usually that’s Cullen. He’s a lot like her. Won’t take his problems to someone else. Suffer in silence. Typical warrior shit. _

_ I’m not any better. Krem’s been beating me with sticks for days. Not that I think anything will happen, but I’ve been thinking about what I would do if you...ya know. I asked the Chargers about it and they unanimously agreed to stay with the Inquisition and see this thing through. So that’s that. _

The rumbling voice continues in an even tone. Sometimes there are long pauses between subjects. Sometimes the voice sounds unsure. Vulnerable. Both sound uncharacteristic. 

\-----

_ Cane pazzo! _ The accented voice exclaims in time with the swinging of a door. The rapid tap of paws quickly approaches.  _ If you make me fall down the stairs there will be no one to give you treats when the Commander is working. _

There is a scratching of nails against fabric and a soft thud every few moments.  _ Essere pazientare. _ The voice gently chastises. A soft whine a moment before the sound of tongue on skin. There’s a rustling, very close that settles and then there is only the soft sound of little breaths. 

_ If your mother wakes and you’ve learned more Antivan than Dalish I’m sure she’ll be very put out. _ There is amusement in the voice now. The sound of blankets adjusting.  _ I can see you don’t plan on going anywhere tonight. You keep her company and I’ll just be working at the desk.  _

_ Ti prego, please tell me before you have to go out, yes? _

\-----

_ Sorry I’m late, Sweetling. Cassandra and I lost track of time sparring. I guess we both needed it. _ Weight settles on the mattress which sighs ever so softly as air is displaced. 

_ I’m also sorry I fell asleep reading letters to you last night. I think I got through most of the one where he was telling me about how the two of you ran away to find a golden Halla. _ There is a pause and then an amused chuckle.  _ If our children are half as precocious as you and your brother were, we’re in for a handful. Though, my mother has always cursed me to have a child that acted as I did in my childhood. For that I apologize. _

Booted footsteps move away. Buckles and straps coming undone accompany the occasional sound of metal settling on wood. Two more thunks sound and then the soft pad of feet moves across the room. Papers are gathered and the footsteps draw closer. 

_ Let’s see. Only two left. _ A throat clears. 

_ Cullen, _

_ I am actually quite surprised at your request to know more about our mother. I would have thought Dejah would have been quite open about that. Though, perhaps in relation to my father, not so much. _

_ Our mother is the one person who truly keeps our clan together. She is so strong in so many ways. She is quite the opposite of my father which is perhaps how they’ve managed to make their relationship work so well. He’s come to respect her.  _

_ She’s very shrewd. She knows your flaws and calls out your mistakes. Her heart is soft though. She does not judge you by either of those things but also won’t let you get away with them. She’s always pushing people to be better. She brings out the best in those around her. Everyone is simply </i>better<i> for knowing her. They want to be. Sound like anyone you know? _

_ It pains her to be so far away from Dejah. Not able to give advice or comfort. But, she knows Dejah can make it. That she’ll surround herself with good people.  _

_ She was skeptical to learn of you at first. Biased as it may be, many Dalish don’t picture their children falling in love with a human. Between Dejah’s letters and and our own correspondence, I think she is reassured that you truly care for her and have her best interests at heart.  _

_ Until next time,  _

_ Camen _

The paper settle somewhere.  _ There’s one more. It just says he’ll be here as soon as he can. The passes are blocked for the winter but he’s going to try them anyway. That was about a month ago. _ The voice is nervous.  _ I wish I had more news for either of you. _

\-----

It’s been quiet for a while. There’s the occasional click of ivory on wood. The shuffle of feet or creak of a chair as weight shifts on it. Eventually, there’s a deep sigh. 

_ Should we discuss the topic we’re avoiding? _ The rich, accented voice asks quietly. There’s another click of ivory on wood.  _ It is why we’re both here. _

_ And what are we avoiding? _ The slightly deeper voice asks. The words are smooth in a practiced, even tone. Control in the voice barely able to cover the waver. 

_ If I really must say it; _ Another deep sigh.  _ The possibility of Dejah not wa- _

_ That isn’t a possibility. _ The deeper voice says quickly, vehemently. 

_ Cullen, I don’t want to consider it either. Yet, it has been all I can think about. _ Another soft click. 

_ It took awhile for her to wake up last time too. _ The voice is trying to sound reasonable but doesn’t seem to be convinced of it’s own words. 

_ She was severely wounded last time. There is nothing descerably wrong with her now. She’s just not waking up. It’s been nearly two weeks. _

_ I know that, Dorian. Every day that passes is torture. She has to wake up. I can’t entertain any other future. _ Another click followed by a half-hearted  _ check. _

_ I’ll never forgive myself if she doesn’t wake up. I made her drink that...foul concoction. _ A few moments of silence and another click. 

_ Dorian. This isn’t your fault. _ The voice is sure of this. Firm, but gentle.  _ The attack wasn’t your fault. The poison wasn’t your fault. The solution and its results are certainly not your fault. She wouldn’t want you blaming yourself anyway. You didn’t make her do anything. You know that, right? _

_ I knew the worst case scenario. I wasn’t prepared for it, it seems. _ The accented voice admits.  _ I’m not prepared for this at all. _

_ Neither am I. _ Click.  _ Checkmate. Shall we play again? _

_ Might as well. _ The tone has turned bleak, despondent. 

\-----

There’s a soft whimper. Not that of an animal. A man. Heavy breathing accompanied by small sounds of distress. A body shifts, short movements. 

_ You must not take her. I beg of you. Take me instead.  _ A plea, voice breaking. 

There’s a soft awakening. She feels and hears. The sheets are warm and soft. A weight on her lap. 

_ Dejah. _ A strained groan.  _ I can’t….I can’t. Don’t make me. Please, I beg you. _ Fear, raw and biting. 

Cullen. He’s in pain. Afraid. 

**No!** His voice shouts out. She can hear him move again. She has to do something. 

**Stop! You have to stop!** He cries out, then immediately is quiet. 

_ I can’t say...she won’t die. This isn’t real. _ His words are almost whispered. Unsure. He doesn’t believe them, he’s just used to saying them. 

A sharp pain in her chest makes her breathe in deeply. His pain. His pain actually makes her hurt. Makes her feel something. 

The weight on her lap shifts and whines. Animal this time. Lailani?

_ I love you. Please, come back to me. Don’t go. _

She has to stop it. It’s too much. The plea.  _ Please, come back to me. _ She can’t deny him. 

Dejah slowly opens her eyes. 

\-----

Cane pazzo-Crazy dog

Essere pazientare-Be patient

Ti prego-I beg of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a comment to let me know what you think. This story is almost wrapped up!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr (jacklyn-flynn) for sneak peeks at my work in progress' as well as a (mostly) daily headcanon du jour. Usually smutty.


	9. Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After weeks of agonizing uncertainty, Dejah wakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! The last chapter but certainly not the end of Dejah's story. Just the end of this particular event in her life. Thank you for everyone who has kept coming back and everyone who is reading for the first time. I hope this ending satisfies!

_ I love you. Please, come back to me. Don’t go. _

She had to stop it. It was too much. The plea.  _ Please, come back to me. _ She couldn’t deny him. 

Dejah slowly opened her eyes. 

It was dark, but she recognized the space her quarters. Firelight rippled softly in the corner of her vision. 

“Don’t touch me!” Cullen’s voice pleaded. “I beg you, any face but hers.” She heard him shift uncomfortably on the couch. 

She lifted her head to find Lailani laying over her. Her small body was in her lap, back legs stretched out behind her, tucked between Dejah’s calves. Her front paws were stretched out on Dejah’s stomach, her head resting on them. She whined softly, one brow raising then the other as she looked from the couch where Cullen slept to Dejah.

Her butt started to wiggle slightly when Dejah pushed back the covers and reached out to scratch behind her white ear. The little mabari scrambled off her lap then the bed and pitter-pattered across the room to the couch where Cullen slept. 

Dejah slowly slid her legs off the side of the bed and tested her ability to put weight on them. When she heard Cullen whimper again, she found more motivation. She stood and walked shakily to the couch. 

His forehead was damp and his brows were furrowed. She could see his eyes moving rapidly beneath his lids. Sitting down on what little space there is beside him, she opened her mouth. She tried to say his name, but all that came out was a dry, rasping croak that was barely audible. Instead, she gripped his upper arm and shook firmly. 

He woke suddenly with a deep gasp, eyes wide and wild. It took him a moment to gather himself but he was finally able to focus on her. His brows furrowed again and he fell back against the arm of the lounge. 

“Dejah?” He asked it hesitantly. “Are you-are you real?” He lifted his hand as if to reach out to her, but let it fall back down again.

She knows the strength of this man. She knows what he has survived. How hard he has fought physically and mentally. That’s why the fear in his voice tightens her heart. As if the answer to that question could make or break him. 

Dejah smiled reassuringly and leaned forward to cup his cheek. She opened her mouth to speak, but the dryness prevented it, so she nodded instead. She feathered her thumb against the ridge of his cheekbone lightly.

“Why won’t you speak?” There’s fear again, accusation. She knew she’d been in his nightmares, her face on a demon that taunts him. Sometimes she doesn’t speak to Cullen in his nightmares because the voice is, as he says, wrong. 

He starts to sit up and she can feel the tension radiating off of him. His nightmares are so vivid that he even fears them real when he is awake. 

She touched her throat and croaked; “Dry.” 

The relief was palpable. His eyes closed and his entire body seemed to relax. “Maker’s breath.” He breathed out. “Of course. Let me get you something to drink.” 

He sat up, swinging his legs over the couch behind her to stand. She turned to watch him as he walked over to the basin, pouring her a cup of water. He sat back down beside her and held it out. Gratefully, she took it and started to drink. 

“Slowly.” He cautioned, smiling slightly. He couldn’t believe she was there. She was awake and in front of him. It’s all he could do to not crush her against him and kiss her senseless. She finished the water in small sips and set the cup down on the floor. “Better?” He asked, resting a hand on her knee. Without knowing the state of her memory, he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable but he had to touch her.

“Yes.” Dejah said softly, testing her voice. 

“Are you okay? Do you remember anything? Do you know who I am? Can you-Maker’s breath. I’m sorry. One question at a time.” He was clearly trying to calm himself down. He had dozens of questions and they all wanted to spill out at once. He had to focus on the most important ones first. “Are you alright?”

“I feel okay. A little sore, but that could be because I was laying down. The last thing I remember was heading back to the camp in...in…” She hesitated. He opened his mouth to answer but she held up a hand to stop him. "Emprise du Lion? The last part is a little fuzzy."

He nodded and smiled. She couldn't help but notice that his forehead was still damp from his nightmares. His hair was starting to curl. "That was nearly three weeks ago." He informed her.

“Three weeks….” She repeated quietly with a frown. “That’s a long time.” 

Cullen nodded again. “It was.” He agreed. Her eyes moved to his face. Even in the faint light she could see the relief in his eyes. He couldn’t seem to take them off of her. He looked love-struck. “Do you remember me?” He asked it quietly and hesitantly, almost afraid to pose the question. 

“Yes.” She said it with a short laugh, a smile lighting up her face. The sight made him smile in return. He let out the breath he’d been holding in a whoosh. She took his hand from her knee and brought it to her lips, kissing his knuckles lightly. “I remember everything.” She heard his breath catch again. It was the answer he was hoping for, but now that she had voiced it he almost couldn’t process the words. 

“I-I knew you loved me before.” She looked up at his face again, sure he could see tears gathering in her eyes. “But you-you-” She realized she had no words for what she was trying to convey. Instead, she threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him. 

It was all Cullen had been waiting for. Permission. 

One hand splayed wide on her back, fingers tangling in her long hair. The other slid down to cup her backside through her nightgown, hauling her onto his lap. She settled there easily, her body molding to his like it belonged there. 

There had been, unfortunately, many reunion kisses in their relationship. This was not that. This wasn’t even close to that. This was a need. She needed him to feel all the things she couldn’t get out. They were too much to speak. She needed him to know she was there, all of her and she remembered all of him. 

He needed it just as much. He would always be there for her. He would wait or fight or do whatever was required to get to this moment again. This moment of pure feeling. Her weight was real in his lap, her skin warm under his hands. Her lips soft as they slanted over his. 

Maker, did he love her. 

One of her hands slid down his shoulder, grasping his shirt and holding it tightly in her fist while the other did the same in his hair. If it were any possible to pull him closer, she would do it. 

When they finally parted, she rested her forehead against his and he nuzzled her nose in return. She sniffled slightly and felt his arms tighten around her in response. 

“Are you crying?” He asked gently. 

She nodded slightly with an unsteady laugh, pulling her head back to look at him. She let out another soft huff of a laugh and wiped his cheek with her thumb. “You are too.” She commented. His eyes were glassy with tears and a few slipped down his cheeks. 

“I am.” He acknowledged, smiling and reached up to keep her hand at his cheek, pressing her warm palm against his skin. “I was always praying, hoping that you would wake with all of your memories. Healthy and safe. But…” He paused, shaking his head as he looked into her eyes. His brows furrowed slightly. “But I couldn’t help but prepare myself for the other possibilities. Waking with no memory or partial memories. Or not waking up at all.” 

“After three weeks I couldn’t-it was all I could think about. Dejah, I don’t know what I would do without you.” He whispered into the darkness around them. As if it was shameful. “Whatever it would be, it wouldn’t be living. I’m not just me anymore. You are such a part of me that if something happened to you it would only be a half-life.” 

She pulled away and framed his face with her hands. “I love you.” She said the words firmly. Absolute truth without the slightest waiver of doubt. “I’ve fallen in love with you twice. I would fall in love with you over and over. In this life and any other to come.” 

Cullen nodded slowly, his eyes wandering her face. “To think otherwise is to lessen your gift and squander our time together. I know how precious that is. I’m sorry it took such an event for me to see it. It was never that you weren’t enough or that you didn’t show me-” 

Dejah cut him off with another kiss. Her lips lingered through his surprise until he returned it. “I know.” She murmured against his mouth. “We all have our demons. Some are harder to fight than others.”

He buried his face against the crook of her shoulder and neck. He squeezed her against him again, letting out a contented sigh. “I’m still-I can’t believe you’re awake. That it worked. You remember everything.” His voice was muffled by her hair. “I would love you even if you didn’t. You know that right?” 

“I do know that. I would never doubt that.” She ran her fingers through his hair soothingly. 

“Should we go tell the others?” He asked reluctantly. 

Her response was what he was hoping for. “No.” She said quietly. “I’m not ready for people yet. Just you. I just want to be with you. There’s still a few hours until dawn. We can tell them in the morning. I just want to be with you tonight.” 

Her fingers continued to run through his hair and they sat like that for a few moments longer in silence. “Why don’t you come back to bed?” She whispered. “I interrupted your sleep.”

“That wasn’t sleep.” He argued, raising his head finally. “I don’t think I really have since you nearly fell off my horse. But I will tonight. With you in my arms, not even the worst demons can invade my dreams.” 

Dejah shimmied off his lap and stood. She took his hand and he rose, walking behind her to the bed. She slid back under the covers and he drew them up over her. Walking around the bed, he settled under the sheets himself. He moved toward her and wrapped an arm around her waist. 

She willingly moved back against him and into his embrace. Immediate peace settled over them both. It was an incredibly important event, her waking with her memories intact but for now, the only thing they could process was relief. Insanity and fallout would interrupt them soon enough so these last few hours were precious.

As she heard Cullen's breathing even out into deep sleep and felt Lailani curl up against her stomach and Cullen's hand, Dejah finally had a moment to truly appreciate all she'd been through the last few months. She was truly lucky, several times over, to even be alive.

She'd been determined and sure of her course as Inquisitor before but it felt renewed now. She had more purpose. Knowing what you have to lose and then actually feeling that loss were very different things.

This perfect moment was what she has to lose. Cullen's sanity. Corypheus had a much bigger fight on his hands now. He had a goal but she had a purpose. 

\-----

_ She walks outside into the sunlight, squinting her eyes for a moment. When her vision adjusts, she can’t help but smile. She walks toward the large oak tree that casts shade over the table that’s set up by the pond.  _

_ Lailani pads gingerly beside her. The old girl is walking much slower than she used to. Her white ear is no longer in stark contrast with her greying muzzle but she still has a lot of years left in her. After so many years already at her side in battle she’s glad that she can give her a gentler retirement.  _

_ Cullen appears from around the massive tree. He’s dressed simply, his shirt open at the collar giving her a peek at his muscled chest. He still trains daily, as does she. Protecting what you love after what they’ve been through isn’t something they can give up easily. _

_ “Do you need help, sweetling?” He asks quickly.  _

_ “No, vhenan. Best watch out for the knight!” She warns, setting the tray of food on the table.  _

_ A child, weilding a wooden sword follows after Cullen, swinging it wildly. Cullen turns around quickly and curls his fingers into claws, growling at the boy. His blond curls are wild and his bright blue eyes are shining when he shrieks with laughter.  _

_ The boy thrusts the sword toward Cullen who leans forward and captures it between his arm and chest. Cullen staggers backward and roars, falling onto his back. The boy squeals and runs toward her.  _

_ “Mamae!” He cries. “I killed dragon! Like you!” He proclaims proudly.  _

_ She sits down gingerly, her hand moving to her rounded belly. “You did?” She gasps in surprise.  _

_ He nods enthusiastically, his curls bobbing. “I saved you and baby!”  _

_ “You did!” She agrees, brushing his hair back from his face and behind a softly pointed ear. “You must be hungry!” He nods again quickly and scrambles onto the chair next to her. She makes a plate and sets it in front of him.  _

_ “Would the dragon like some lunch?” She asks a little louder. She watches Cullen pushing himself off the ground. He runs a hand through his hair. Unlike their son, his curls are tamed in their usual style.  _

_ Walking over, he leans down to kiss her and his hand brushes her cheek. “I would, thank you.” He tousles his son’s hair as he walks by, taking a seat on the other side of the boy and opposite the table from her. “How are you feeling? Do the scars still itch?” He asks, making himself a plate.  _

_ She rubs her stomach and nods. The scars are stretched tight and itch almost constantly. “Mm, I forgot how annoying it was the first time.” She looks at her son, a smile forming that she can’t stop, nor would she. “It’s worth it though.”  _

_ Cullen looks at their son who is humming and tossing his head from side to side as he chews.  _

_ “What do you think, Erik? Do you want a brother or sister?” He asks.  _

_ The boy finishes chewing with an extended; “hmmmmmmm” as he thinks.  _

_ “A puppy!” He exclaims.  _

_ Cullen chuckles. “It doesn’t really work like that.” Erik hrmphs disappointedly and tucks back into his lunch.  _

_ “What about you?” Dejah asks, sitting forward to rest her elbow on the table and her chin on her palm.  _

_ “A girl.” Cullen says immediately. Dejah’s eyes widen in surprise at his quick answer.  _

_ “I can tell you’ve given it a lot of thought.” She laughs.  _

_ He smiles and nods, his scar ticking up in the way that  _ still  _ makes her heart flutter. “I have. A beautiful girl with a beautiful Dalish name.” _

_ “I hope she has your eyes.” Dejah says, making him chuckle.  _

_ “Your’s and Erik’s are far more beautiful.” He argues, reaching over to help Erik hold his cup steady as he drinks.  _

_ “I don’t think so. I get lost in your eyes all the time.” She says softly in a genuine voice that still makes him blush a little. He loves the satisfied look on her face even as he rubs the back of his neck. _

_ Dejah is absently rubbing her stomach, watching her love try not to beam under her compliment. She stops suddenly, looking down and sitting back from the table a bit. Her hand shifts. “I think the babe knows we’re talking about them.” She laughs softly, looking up at Cullen. “They’re kicking.”  _

_ She hears the hitch in his breath. This is the first time the babe has kicked. Dejah remembers the first time Erik kicked. Cullen couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down his cheeks and that, in turn, set off her crying. He’d kicked for several minutes and even after he’d stopped, Cullen didn’t take his hand off of her stomach.  _

_ “Does it hurt?” Erik asked, voice muffled by the food in his mouth.  _

_ “No, esha’lin. It doesn’t hurt. Would you like to feel?” She asks, smiling at his enthusiastic nod.  _

_ He scrambles off the chair and Cullen’s hand shoots out to snatch the back of his shirt, keeping him from falling off face-first. With his father’s steadying hand, he makes it to solid ground. Erik holds out his hand and she sets it on her stomach where she can feel the stirring. _

_ The only way that she can describe his face when he first feels his sibling kick is pure awe. His blue eyes go wide and he starts to hop up and down on his feet. “Papa!” He cries, looking over at Cullen. “Baby! Baby is kicking me!” _

_ She looks up at Cullen and finds him staring at her. His eyes are wet and so filled with emotion that she almost chokes on a sob that comes unbidden from her tight chest. He rises and walks around the table to lean down and kiss her. It’s light and short, but he doesn’t need any more to show her what he’s thinking.  _

_ When he tries to stand again, she grabs the front of his shirt. “How about we set the pup down for an N-A-P and we-” She sits up to whisper in his ear, telling him what  _ she’s _ thinking. When she pulls away to look at him, he’s blushing again.  _

_ “That’s the sort of talk that got you into this position in the first place.” He laughs. He scoops Erik into his arms and throws him on his stomach over his shoulder. The boy squeals with laughter.  _

_ Dejah stands, following him into the house. “It really isn’t a terrible position to be in.”  _

\-----

Dejah woke with a surreal feeling. The dream lingered in her mind and made her heart flutter. It didn’t feel like a dream. It felt more like the memories that had surfaced, but there was no way that could have been a memory. Still, with her eyes closed and the warmth of Cullen’s body at her back, she couldn’t help but let herself indulge a little in it. 

She was nearly asleep again when someone knocked on the door. Cullen stirred slightly and groaned, tucking his head against the back of her neck. 

“Cullen! You’re late for the meeting. It’s time to get up!” Her eyes snapped open at Dorian’s voice. She heard the jiggling of the door knob. “Fasta vass, man! Cullen!” He shouted, banging on the door a little harder. “I’ve let you sleep long enough!”

The smile that lifted her lips expressed the excitement that made her heart race. Throwing off the covers, she ignored the hand that tried to grasp her and pull her back into bed. Padding over to the door, she unlocked it and opened it slowly. 

She could see that it took Dorian a few moments to even process what he was seeing. His eyes widened slightly and his jaw slackened. “I’m sorry, Dorian. We were up early this morning.” She could barely hold back a laugh but she does. He is so uncharacteristically speechless that all he can do is blink at her. 

Then, with a speed that she didn’t know the man possessed, she was in his arms with his face tucked against her neck. Wrapping one arm around him, her other hand cradled the back of his head to hold him against her. Occasionally, his entire body shook ever so slightly with emotion. 

“I’m so sorry I worried you.” She whispered. “Thank you for bringing me back. I wouldn’t be here without you. I owe you everything.” 

She felt him shake his head. He still couldn’t speak. She leaned back slightly so that she could frame his face in her hands. She could see tears glistening in his eyes, a sight she hadn’t seen before. Her thumbs feathered over his cheeks as she smiled. She felt the tears in her own eyes, a response to his emotional reaction. 

“I remember everything. Every moment of my life. All of my time with Cullen. All of my time with  _ you _ . I love you, Dorian. Thank you.” She said the words softly, genuinely. 

They were enough to make the tears fall from his eyes. He glanced at Cullen, but the Commander was giving them their privacy, pretending, or perhaps not, to still be sleeping.

"Darling, I'm not as noble as all of that. I did it selfishly. For me. I couldn't bear to lose you." He admitted, covering one of her hands with his own, as if the confession would make her draw back from him.

Instead, she leaned a little closer. "Good." She murmured softly. "You always give and take nothing for yourself."

"I put your life in danger!” He countered. “I had no inkling of what that potion would do. I just wanted you back. Even if it meant killing you. If you had died-" His brows furrowed as he shook his head. She could feel from the tension in his body. That he was mere moments from pulling away from her.

"I didn't!" She cut him off quickly. Standing on tiptoes, she placed a kiss on his wet cheek. "Even if it was selfish, which it wasn't, look at the result. The collateral gain is staggering."

"My family would have been devastated. Cullen, I don't even want to think about how Cullen would have coped. Lailani has already bonded with me. Bull, Cole, Cassandra. All of my friends. I wasn’t ready to leave them yet." Dejah pointed out. 

"And Ferelden! Corypheus would go unchallenged. Without the mark, the world would fall into darkness. I have my magic, I have my strength and confidence back. Most importantly, I learned how fragile this all can be and I want to protect it more than ever."

She pulled him back into a hug which he readily returned. "But none of that means anything without people I love to strengthen me and keep me on track. The world thinks the Herald will save them. But it isn't just me. It's the Inquisition, of which you are an invaluable part. You are  _ invaluable _ to  _ me. _ " She assured him.

"Don't." He pleaded. She smiled gently and nodded in understanding. This; emotion, love, friendship, true trust, is all still very new to him. 

“It’s okay if you aren’t ready to hear it. You will be some day. Just...know that I mean it. All of it.” She said softly. 

Dorian clears his throat and took a moment to compose himself. Finally, steel-brown eyes find the courage to meet hers and he nods, lips pursed in an odd sort of smile. 

The moment passed and Dorian turned on his heel toward the bed. “Time to wake up. Don’t make me drag the covers off of you.” 

“I could be naked.” Cullen grumbled from the bed. 

“I think you’re the only one in the room who would be opposed to that situation.” Dorian chuckled, falling easily back into his usual demeanor.

\-----

Although she was excited to see all of her friends and reassure them she was fine, Dejah found she had a little anxiety as well. Once word was out she wasn’t going to get a moment of peace. Cullen wouldn’t be able to stay with her all day but she assured him when he fretted that she would be fine. In truth, she was nervous about it but didn’t want him to worry more than he already was. 

The first order of business was the meeting in the war room. Cullen opened the door to Josephine’s office and Lailani shot between their legs.

“Little girl!” Josie exclaimed, immediately pulling open a drawer on her desk. Lailani sat beside her chair obediently, her butt wiggling excitedly. “You and your papa are late!” She said, giving the mabari a treat. The pup happily took it and went to her bed in the corner of the office to lay down. Typical of Josie’s style, the bed wasn’t just a pillow on the floor. It looked like a miniature daybed, elegant enough to be in a noble’s estate complete with a silk embroidered cushion. 

“I’m sorry I’m late. There was a development with Dejah last night.” Cullen said, stepping into the room and standing aside for Dejah to enter. 

“I woke up.” She added with a smile. 

Josephine shrieked and threw herself at Dejah. She hugged the Antivan tightly, smelling the familiar scent of exotic spices that followed the ambassador everywhere. She felt her throat tighten with emotion at her friend’s reaction. 

Finally, Josephine pulled away. “I can’t believe you’re awake!” She said excitedly, clasping Dejah’s hands. “And, your memory?” She prompted. 

“All back.” Dejah confirmed with a smile. 

“I can’t tell you how excited I am.” Josephine’s eyes were bright, her smile even brighter. “I wish you were coming back to better circumstances. I’m afraid things have fallen apart since you first lost your memory. We’re doing all we can to keep it together but frankly, we need you.” 

“I’m ready to jump back in.” Dejah assured her. 

“Fantastic! Everyone is waiting.” She said, looking pointedly at Cullen who had the decency to look apologetic. 

She entered the war room to find Leliana, Bull and Cassandra grilling Dorian. The mage had given them time to dress and prepare for the day, promising to keep the others busy.

“You came down here smiling like a fool and telling us you had news, but you refuse to tell us what it is.” Cassandra complained.

“Come on, Kadan. You went up there to wake Cullen and came back without him. Tell us.” Bull urged. 

“Never! It isn’t mine to reveal.” Dorian said, from his chair. He was leaning back, one leg crossed over the other, cleaning his nails. “But, your answer just walked into the room.” He informed them. 

All three of his interrogators turned to look at her. Dejah was starting to enjoy the look of shock on her friend’s faces. These were all people who were rarely speechless, especially Leliana. 

“BOSS!” Bull roared, running at her. Her eyes widened and she took a step back at the intimidating figure barreling toward her. He wrapped his arms around her and picked her up off the ground, squeezing her against his chest. 

“Bull.” She wheezed. “I missed you too, but you’re crushing my rib cage.” She said breathlessly. 

With a laugh that echoed off the walls, he set her back down on her feet. “No judgement, but which Inquisitor are we talking to?” 

“The old one.” She said with a laugh. “And the new one. I remember it all.” 

“Thank the Maker.” She heard Leliana say softly. 

“You mad at me for our talk in the woods?” He asked curiously.

“Not at all. I need it and you delivered just when I needed you.” Dejah assured him. 

Cassandra stepped forward next. She looked a little uncomfortable. “I’m not accustomed to public displays of affection, but I feel a great desire to hug you, if I may?” 

“Oh, Cass.” She laughed, wrapping her friend up in a hug by way of a response. 

“I’m glad you’re alright. I missed you greatly.” The accented voice whispered in her ear before they parted. 

“Perhaps we can catch up later over some wine?” Dejah offered. 

“I would like that.” Cassandra agreed. 

Leliana wasn’t a very emotional person but she was smiling at Dejah. “It’s good to have you back, Herald.” 

She walked over to the war table and took a look at the current state of things. “I hear things have gone tits up, as Varric would say.” 

Cullen chuckled, taking his place beside her. “Nothing we can’t fix now that you’re here.” 

\-----

Despite the overwhelming joy Dejah felt at seeing all of her friends, she was quite happy to retire at the end of the night. Cullen was still working so she settled down in front of the fire in their room with a book. After several pages, she found she wasn’t really reading at all, her eyes were simply skimming the words. 

_ I slept for three weeks. How could I possibly be tired? _ She asked herself with a yawn. Realizing it had been three weeks since she’d had a nice, relaxing bath, she drew one and heated the water until it was steaming nicely. 

She pinned her hair up lazily and stepped into the hot water. An appreciative moan escaped her lips as the heat sank into her bed-sore muscles. She wasn’t sure how long she was soaking for. Every time the water cooled, she decided she wasn’t ready to get out and simply heated it back up again. 

“Maker’s breath. You are so beautiful.” Cullen breathed from the doorway. She opened her eyes and turned her head to look at him. She couldn’t describe the look on his face as anything other than complete adoration. 

“You can’t even see all of me from there.” She pointed out.

He seemed content to simply watch her from the doorway. “I don’t have to. I already know all of you is beautiful. But your face, you were so relaxed. Carefree. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen that.” 

“Just how long were you watching me?” She asked, sitting up and reaching for her towel. 

Stepping forward quickly, he grabbed it and unfolded it, holding it out for her. “For a while.” He admitted with a smile. 

She stood and gracefully stepped out of the tub and into his arms as he enveloped her in the towel. With her back to him, he hugged her tightly. After a few moments, he unwrapped her and then started to dry her off. His touch was light and slow, reverent. 

“I could stare at you for hours.” He said as he bent and dried off one leg than the other. “But eventually,” He continued as he stood. “I’m going to want to touch.” Cullen said against her neck before kissing her skin gently. 

She leaned back against his hard breastplate, resting her head against his shoulder. He kissed his way upward slowly. Reaching her ear, he tugged the lobe gently with his teeth before running his tongue up to the tip, making her shiver. 

“What, specifically?” She asked, closing her eyes and giving herself over to him. 

“What do I want to touch?” He asked with a chuckle. “All of you. Every inch. Then, a few places more than once. I love how soft your breasts are compared to how hard those beautiful nipples pebble for me.” 

“Mmmhmmm..” She let out absently as his fingers feathered down her side, grazing the soft swell of her breast teasingly. 

“But my favorite part of you to touch,” He whispered in her ear as his fingers slid over her stomach and circled her belly-button. “is that soft pearl nestled between your creamy thighs.”

She found herself growing breathless as his fingers teased with agonizing slowness ever lower. 

“Why is that?” She asked, swallowing quickly. 

“Because it’s the only magic I can perform.” He chuckled again and his breath washed over her skin, warm and familiar. “With it, I can make you so incredibly wet. I can make you moan and cry out my name. When I’m inside of you I can make you clench around me. I can make you come for me over and over. I can make you squirm and I can make you beg. And I know that I am the only one who can weave those spells.”

She whimpered softly and felt her knees grow weak. 

She was so invested in the moment that she almost shrieked when she heard a knock on the door from the stairway. Cullen’s low growl was dangerous. He snatched up the towel and wrapped it around her. “Stay right there. I’ll take care of it.” He whispered in her ear. He laid one more kiss on her shoulder, lips lingering before he left the washroom, pulling the door closed behind him. 

Shakily, she pulled down her hair and brushed it out until the black mass behaved and fell neatly into silky waves. She wished she could sneak into the bedroom and grab something special to wear for him. Instead, she hung up the towel to dry and waited, impatiently, for him to return. 

He was less than pleased when he did. There was a scowl on his face and he groaned when he saw her bare for him, hair covering her breasts. “Sweetling.” He gritted out. “You have to get dressed.” 

“Why?” She asked, sounding a little more like a petulant child than she’d meant to.

“There’s a Dalish man here to see you. He’s just arrived and he insists on speaking with you directly, immediately. He’s at the stables taking care of his mount and asks that we meet him there.” He advised.

Closing her eyes and taking a moment to compose herself, she let out a long exhale. It was extremely difficult to slow down her body’s reaction to his words. To shake out the anticipation. 

“If he’s arriving so late that he continued to ride instead of camping it must be important.” She sighed and opened her eyes to smile at him. “No time to adjust, right back in the saddle it seems.” 

At the riding expression all he could picture was her riding him.  _ Maker, this had better be important.  _ He thought as he tried to adjust his uncomfortable pants. 

\-----

Dejah was grateful for the cool night air and its effect on her body. Cullen’s arm wrapped around her shoulders protectively as they descended the stairs to the courtyard. The stables were still out of sight when she stopped walking suddenly, brows furrowing. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked, concerned. 

“Do you hear that?” She asked, glancing around. 

“I don’t hear anything unusual.” He said carefully, still straining to hear anything out of the ordinary. 

“There!” She exclaimed, grabbing his hand. 

“The bird? It’s..pretty..but I don’t understand.” Cullen said, confused. 

“It’s a black-breasted sparrow. My favorite bird.” She told him. 

He was at a complete loss for words. 

“They don’t live here.” She informed him, pursing her lips. Cullen was surprised to hear a perfect bird sound come from Dejah. She was clearly practiced at this imitation.

They both listened for the reply that came only a few moments later, brighter and excited. 

She grabbed his hand and started walking quickly toward the stables. Even Cullen had to widen his step to keep up with her. As they rounded the main keep and the stables came into view, she released his hand and started sprinting. 

“Dejah!” He called quickly, struggling to keep up with her slighter, faster form in his full armor. 

“Isa’ma’lin!” She cried. A man standing outside with a halla turned at her shout and smiled. A bolt of jealousy shot through Cullen when she threw herself at him, jumping into his waiting arms and wrapping her limbs around him. The man held her tightly, burying his face against her shoulder.

They were speaking quietly to each other when Cullen caught up with them. When he released Dejah, Cullen finally got a good look at the man and quickly realized that he had no reason to be jealous. 

He was slightly taller than Dejah but he had the same complexion, jet black hair and deep-water blue eyes. He even had the same branching blue vallaslin that Dejah had, except his grew from the bridge of his nose and arched over his dark brows. 

“I’m so sorry Dey, I came as fast as I could. I can’t tell you how relieved I am that you’re okay.” He said, hands still resting on her shoulders. 

“I can’t believe you traveled this time of year. The passes are so dangerous!” She admonished. 

“I’m fine.” He chuckled. “I wanted to be here for you. I’m just sorry I took so long. I’m also here for another reason. A very important one.” He looked up at Cullen and his smile faded slightly. “You must be him.” 

“Cullen Rutherford. I’m pleased to finally meet you, Camen.” Cullen offered his hand which Camen took. 

“Pleasure to meet you as well. Though, I have to say, I didn’t think you were an idiot judging by your letters.” Camen said. “You have no idea what you’ve done.”

“Camen!” Dejah exclaimed, surprised at her brother’s words. 

“Is there somewhere we can speak in private?” Camen asked.

“There is no one around.” She waved her hands around them. “What the hell is wrong with you?” She asked, brows furrowed. “You’ve been writing each other?” 

Camen sighed and turned to pull something out of his pack. He handed her a folded up letter. “We wanted to surprise you, but I'm not the only one he’s been writing.”

“Maker’s breath…” She heard Cullen say under his breath at the sight of the letter. He was shaking his head slightly when she glanced up at him. “I didn’t realize…” 

“You didn’t? I told you what our father was like. You should have asked one of us what would happen.” Camen said. Dejah was genuinely surprised at her brother’s confrontational attitude. “I know you love my sister but you’ve put her in an impossible position.”

She opened it when they continued to talk, immediately recognizing Cullen’s handwriting.

“I wrote that letter months ago. I wasn’t expecting a response in person.” Cullen turned to her, holding out his hands in supplication. “I didn’t-Sweetling, this isn’t how I imagined this going.” He was clearly distressed but she couldn’t focus on his words. She could only keep re-reading the words in front of her. 

_ To say that I love your daughter is insufficient. She is my soulmate. I humbly ask for your blessing to marry her or bond with her, whichever she may choose. I swear to you that I will love her and protect her until my last breath. Nothing short of her desire to part will prevent me from keeping that promise.  _

Dejah’s hands were shaking by the time she finished reading the short letter for the third time. So many emotions were roiling through her that she wasn’t sure which should take precedence.

She looked up at Cullen who looked broken. Her gaze turned to her brother who looked grieved as he watched her. 

“Dey.” Camen said gently. “He’s furious. And-” He looked at Cullen sadly, then back at his sister. 

Dejah began to shake her head. “No.” She said softly. “Absolutely not. Don’t you dare.” She warned Camen. But, just as sure as she knew what he was going to say, she knew that she couldn’t prevent him from saying it.

“He’s sent me to bring you home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger! So much for satisfying!
> 
> Thank you again for reading. Please let me know what you think! I love hearing from all of you who love these two as much as I do! Once again, big thanks to Sokemis for the prompt that started this adventure!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr as jacklyn-flynn where I occasionally post WIP tidbits and sexy headcanons of Cullen.
> 
> Much love! Jacklyn

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Comments, feedback and prompts are _always _welcome!__


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